tantrums

I don't punish tantrums. I don't give time out for tantrums, I don't ignore them, I don't battle them. I'm not a fan mind you, they interrupt my life and hurt my ears...
When my eldest daughter was small she only threw one or two. She was one of those children you should never have first because you think you've got this parenting thing sussed. Then her brother was born. He was one of those who shatters that illusion. He threw tantrums the like of which I had only read about. Epic, long-lived, desperate, inconsolable tantrums. About many things. About waking up after naps. About arriving places. About leaving places. About shoes. About bedtime. About nothing I could fathom.
I had been taught that the swifter you dealt with this sort of behaviour the better chance you had of nipping it in the bud. But he was a good and patient teacher and gave me many many chances to learn how to be truly patient and loving and supportive. And that rather than 'dealing with' this behaviour I was there to guide him through it, to give him the skills to manage the storms and to address the needs driving it.
I learned to wait, to be there for him, to hold him when he needed it but to give him the time and space to calm down. Eventually he outgrew this phase, as his ability to communicate his needs increased, when he stopped taking naps, and little by little through his life he has learned to calm himself down quicker and to consider the effects of his behaviour on others. Now he is seven he still has ways to go but i am so proud of how he is learning to handle himself and his overwhelming emotions.
Now his two little sisters are carrying the torch. I often think things would be less bumpy for them if they were singletons as I would be able to listen better to one child at a time, I would be asking them to wait less. But they're not, so sometimes things get very loud around here. We're getting there though. One of them doesn't like to be held at first. Then she wants her snugglies and time on the couch with me. The other wants to be held straight away while she calms down, very close and tight. Kind of works out especially when they go down at the same time!

Useful things to say:
'how can I help you?'
'when you've calmed down you can tell me what you need and I'll do my best to help'
'I'm here for you when you're ready'
'it's so tough when you have to wait/ find something else to play with/ give the toy back/ wait for your turn etc'
'I wish I knew what you needed, we'll get better at this'

tantrums unfortunately aren't confined to toddler years, but the same principles apply. Helping children calm down is a priority. Then helping them express what they need. As they mature they can then begin to understand that their behaviour has a direct bearing on others and they can start to see from others point of view how their shouting etc wasn't helpful. Once they're calm of course!