Drop off childcare is sort of new for my girls. They have one day for two and a half hours, starting last term. As we are at Playcentre they are dropped off in the same centre they have been at since they were babies, it's just that now they get to have an extra day there without me. They have some strong relationships, they are independent and comfortable in their surroundings, they are able to let people know when they are hungry or need to go to the toilet and are able to trust the adults around them enough to let them help. The wonderful mums there too are respectful of their play, and right now of their need to be different identities and be called different names, and they make an effort to remember who is Elsa, who is Ben or Holly or William or Grace or... last week when I picked them up they had name tags with their assumed name printed large and their real name in brackets.
However the week just gone was one of those times when you really appreciate how differently toddlers think. I was greeted with enthusiasm as I arrived for pickup and received great reports from them and the adults who spent time with them about all the fun things they had done. No toileting accidents (yay!!!) no upsets, just happy settled play. They both expressed to me how they didn't want to leave (yay!!!) and we went on our merry way. Until we were part way home.
I am not sure what the trigger was as it was behind me in the back seat but Thing 1 started to cry. Not just cry - scream and wail and howl. In that special ear-splitting way she has. It continued the entire 10 minute drive, the extra 10 minutes it took for me to get Thing 2 and the gear out of the car and into the house, and the next 20 minutes of me carrying her and lying down with her on my tummy to cuddle and talk. She just couldn't calm herself down enough to tell me what was wrong in all that time, I felt so helpless, I was desperate to find out what she needed and I had literally no clue.
Finally she took some breaths, managed a shaky "I'm better" and told me "you did it wrong way mummy" okay... I guess that was something to work with...but seriously what on earth? the car? the music in the car? the seatbelt? each wrong guess of course was so upsetting to the child trying to communicate something to what must've felt like the stupidest adult on the planet:
the answer? her name tag.
As there were some new people at Playcentre this morning I had written their names on stickers as some people find it hard to remember who's who. "you said I was Meredith but I wanted to be Ava" And then I remembered, I had been in a hurry, I hadn't even asked what name she wanted or explained that I would need to put her actual name there too to help out the new people.
I apologised, she said "I forgive you mummy, I love you mummy" and we got on with our lives (after a very long nap!)
The scenario seemed (to my adult brain) over the top ridiculous so i spent a long time trying to see things through her eyes. And I guess it isn't really so different after all. Her need to be respected, her need to be heard and understood and supported. She has a 2 year old's communication skills and assertiveness and at this stage in her life she needs advocates. I wondered how many times it probably happened that she had done a painting or a drawing and a helpful adult had written her name on and she had thought "but I'm Ava today" or had been cheering her on while she ran "really fast" and they said "what is your name, oh that's right, Meredith" and all these little interactions built up inside her. And the origin of all of them was the name I had given her today. And how often do I do that in my other relationships? Make assumptions of what people need based on what I think without checking first? Listen but not reflectively?
I am so thankful for the lessons these children teach me, for the way they give me pause.
Friday, May 1, 2015
Friday, February 27, 2015
In Defence of the Defensive
I hear the phrase 'the strong willed child' bandied around a bit. It makes me wonder. Especially when I hear it being used to describe very young children, the under two's... or as if it is some kind of affliction, a hardship, something terrible for parents to deal with.
I know there is a whole world of children who behave unpredictably due to allergies, food issues, difficulties like autism and myriad other things and I'm not referring to this level of need. I'm talking about the run of the mill small child who wants to do what they want to do, not what they are being told to do.
I hear about the 4 year old who won't go to bed... the one year old who insists on feeding themselves, the two year old who won't get their shoes on, the child who doesn't want to go to the park, who doesn't want to leave the park. I've got some of them around here. They learn best by testing limits not by being told, they don't like the word no, and their reaction to it is often loud, explosive and frustrating!!!
It's easy to put a label on kids, 'strong willed' is one I am especially hesitant to hand out. I think when we do this we absolve ourselves from thinking too deeply about what our child's behaviour might really be expressing, and the onus is not so much on us to nurture that strength as to feel justified in our irritation at our children's will not lining up with our own.
Things I find helpful to think about when my children are being extra stroppy:
How well am I listening to them?
Are they feeling connected to me? Do I stop and listen when they tell me something important? If not, I can hardly expect them to do the same for me.
How many decisions are they getting to make about their day?
Imagine having other people make every decision for you: when you woke,. when and what you ate, what you wore, where you went, what you did...sometimes I feel like this as it is and I hate it! Just like some adults struggle against too much routine, some children seem more sensitive to the perception of control. What decisions can I hand over to them? Where can I ask for their opinion? Dinner menus? Where I'm going to park when I go to the library? What I'm going to wear?
How much am I saying 'no' to them?
they might have been asking to do lots of things I can't allow, I may have been stopping them drawing on walls or hitting siblings, I'm not suggesting we should encourage this behaviour but if all they are hearing is no from me, how can I expect them to answer all my requests with an enthusiastic yes? Sometimes this takes creativity...but it's not too hard to say 'I see you want to do some drawing, lets get you some paper. When you're done we could come back and clean that wall together!'
Is what I am insisting they do really that important?
Sometimes it might feel that way to me when truly, truly in the grand scheme of things it doesn't. It's fairly short-sighted of me to think that their future as a functional human being hinges entirely on this one interaction, on their following this one instruction. Worth considering.
Finally I keep in mind their future
I was a stubborn, strong willed child, my parents tell stories which now are hilarious about me refusing to get out of the bath... going to bed naked rather than wear pyjamas I hadn't personally chosen... at the time I can imagine my poor mother wanting to bang her head against the wall and wishing trademe was invented so she could list me on it. Now my stubbornness allows me to hang on to my principles even when others don't share them. It allows me to be optimistic and search doggedly for solutions in some really dark and despairing times, to sit in the middle of chaos on really crazy days and laugh at that small funny thing that happened earlier because I am not going to be overcome by mess or noise or lack of energy or my stupidly long to do list. It means I enjoy life even when life sucks... because I am determined to! If you can take some time to get outside the way their behaviour is affecting you right now and focus on the long term view, you just might feel differently about them. Having a postive view of my child and their quirks makes a huge difference in my relationship with them.
I know there is a whole world of children who behave unpredictably due to allergies, food issues, difficulties like autism and myriad other things and I'm not referring to this level of need. I'm talking about the run of the mill small child who wants to do what they want to do, not what they are being told to do.
I hear about the 4 year old who won't go to bed... the one year old who insists on feeding themselves, the two year old who won't get their shoes on, the child who doesn't want to go to the park, who doesn't want to leave the park. I've got some of them around here. They learn best by testing limits not by being told, they don't like the word no, and their reaction to it is often loud, explosive and frustrating!!!
It's easy to put a label on kids, 'strong willed' is one I am especially hesitant to hand out. I think when we do this we absolve ourselves from thinking too deeply about what our child's behaviour might really be expressing, and the onus is not so much on us to nurture that strength as to feel justified in our irritation at our children's will not lining up with our own.
Things I find helpful to think about when my children are being extra stroppy:
How well am I listening to them?
Are they feeling connected to me? Do I stop and listen when they tell me something important? If not, I can hardly expect them to do the same for me.
How many decisions are they getting to make about their day?
Imagine having other people make every decision for you: when you woke,. when and what you ate, what you wore, where you went, what you did...sometimes I feel like this as it is and I hate it! Just like some adults struggle against too much routine, some children seem more sensitive to the perception of control. What decisions can I hand over to them? Where can I ask for their opinion? Dinner menus? Where I'm going to park when I go to the library? What I'm going to wear?
How much am I saying 'no' to them?
they might have been asking to do lots of things I can't allow, I may have been stopping them drawing on walls or hitting siblings, I'm not suggesting we should encourage this behaviour but if all they are hearing is no from me, how can I expect them to answer all my requests with an enthusiastic yes? Sometimes this takes creativity...but it's not too hard to say 'I see you want to do some drawing, lets get you some paper. When you're done we could come back and clean that wall together!'
Is what I am insisting they do really that important?
Sometimes it might feel that way to me when truly, truly in the grand scheme of things it doesn't. It's fairly short-sighted of me to think that their future as a functional human being hinges entirely on this one interaction, on their following this one instruction. Worth considering.
Finally I keep in mind their future
I was a stubborn, strong willed child, my parents tell stories which now are hilarious about me refusing to get out of the bath... going to bed naked rather than wear pyjamas I hadn't personally chosen... at the time I can imagine my poor mother wanting to bang her head against the wall and wishing trademe was invented so she could list me on it. Now my stubbornness allows me to hang on to my principles even when others don't share them. It allows me to be optimistic and search doggedly for solutions in some really dark and despairing times, to sit in the middle of chaos on really crazy days and laugh at that small funny thing that happened earlier because I am not going to be overcome by mess or noise or lack of energy or my stupidly long to do list. It means I enjoy life even when life sucks... because I am determined to! If you can take some time to get outside the way their behaviour is affecting you right now and focus on the long term view, you just might feel differently about them. Having a postive view of my child and their quirks makes a huge difference in my relationship with them.
Monday, January 26, 2015
crying over crushed weet-bix...
One of those moments today that showed me how much i need to work on my listening!
I was busy today, had lots to get done in a short space of time. And I needed the kitchen tidy to do it. I instructed everyone to eat their breakfast so I could get dishes through and of course Mister 7 went slowly.
I was irritated. I wanted it done, I wanted him to do it and rather than being helpful, I seethed.
I know this kid. He's like me. Unless he's had his breakfast he's useless at organising breakfast. Especially if he's been up for a while. And he's volatile with low blood sugar. And it would've been a small thing to sit next to his distracted self and explain, and offer to help and gently keep him on task. But I wanted someone to look out for me this morning. I felt stressed and harried and that was all I could see.
The whole situation culminated in me not putting enough milk with his weet-bix... and mashing them up even though he told me he didn't like it that way... with him crying and running out of the room.... with me grumping... with lots of back and forth... with me thinking how trivial his upsets were and how hard it is to deal with such ridiculous people all day and then suddenly it struck me and I managed to be the adult in the situation (I guess SOMEBODY had to do it!!) "It makes you sad when I don't listen doesn't it?" I observed "YES" he wailed and just like that his posture changed, he went from being an angry, tense, little person to being my sweet soft and cuddly one. I apologised for not stopping to listen, explained that I was feeling a bit stressed that I had so much to do and that I had been so caught up in what I wanted that I hadn't stopped to help him with his breakfast when he needed it. And in a flash, the breakfast was eaten and he was gone and my kitchen was clear just the way I wanted.
It was about the weet-bix. But it wasn't really about the weet-bix. It was about me not knowing how he likes it, about me not caring, about me not listening, about me railroading him with my agenda. I just happened to do it with weet-bix.
I guess this is what it will be like with this kid. I am unlikely ever to be able to completely set myself aside, to be the perfect parent. We will have these clashes, these disconnected discordant times followed by fervent resolutions, times of deep connection and appreciation.
I strive to learn the ins and outs of him though, the deep waters, the ways we can be unified, to be not just a provider for him but a friend, someone he can trust to always have his best interests at heart.
I was busy today, had lots to get done in a short space of time. And I needed the kitchen tidy to do it. I instructed everyone to eat their breakfast so I could get dishes through and of course Mister 7 went slowly.
I was irritated. I wanted it done, I wanted him to do it and rather than being helpful, I seethed.
I know this kid. He's like me. Unless he's had his breakfast he's useless at organising breakfast. Especially if he's been up for a while. And he's volatile with low blood sugar. And it would've been a small thing to sit next to his distracted self and explain, and offer to help and gently keep him on task. But I wanted someone to look out for me this morning. I felt stressed and harried and that was all I could see.
The whole situation culminated in me not putting enough milk with his weet-bix... and mashing them up even though he told me he didn't like it that way... with him crying and running out of the room.... with me grumping... with lots of back and forth... with me thinking how trivial his upsets were and how hard it is to deal with such ridiculous people all day and then suddenly it struck me and I managed to be the adult in the situation (I guess SOMEBODY had to do it!!) "It makes you sad when I don't listen doesn't it?" I observed "YES" he wailed and just like that his posture changed, he went from being an angry, tense, little person to being my sweet soft and cuddly one. I apologised for not stopping to listen, explained that I was feeling a bit stressed that I had so much to do and that I had been so caught up in what I wanted that I hadn't stopped to help him with his breakfast when he needed it. And in a flash, the breakfast was eaten and he was gone and my kitchen was clear just the way I wanted.
It was about the weet-bix. But it wasn't really about the weet-bix. It was about me not knowing how he likes it, about me not caring, about me not listening, about me railroading him with my agenda. I just happened to do it with weet-bix.
I guess this is what it will be like with this kid. I am unlikely ever to be able to completely set myself aside, to be the perfect parent. We will have these clashes, these disconnected discordant times followed by fervent resolutions, times of deep connection and appreciation.
I strive to learn the ins and outs of him though, the deep waters, the ways we can be unified, to be not just a provider for him but a friend, someone he can trust to always have his best interests at heart.
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