I don't punish tantrums. I don't give time out for tantrums, I don't ignore them, I don't battle them. I'm not a fan mind you, they interrupt my life and hurt my ears...
When my eldest daughter was small she only threw one or two. She was one of those children you should never have first because you think you've got this parenting thing sussed. Then her brother was born. He was one of those who shatters that illusion. He threw tantrums the like of which I had only read about. Epic, long-lived, desperate, inconsolable tantrums. About many things. About waking up after naps. About arriving places. About leaving places. About shoes. About bedtime. About nothing I could fathom.
I had been taught that the swifter you dealt with this sort of behaviour the better chance you had of nipping it in the bud. But he was a good and patient teacher and gave me many many chances to learn how to be truly patient and loving and supportive. And that rather than 'dealing with' this behaviour I was there to guide him through it, to give him the skills to manage the storms and to address the needs driving it.
I learned to wait, to be there for him, to hold him when he needed it but to give him the time and space to calm down. Eventually he outgrew this phase, as his ability to communicate his needs increased, when he stopped taking naps, and little by little through his life he has learned to calm himself down quicker and to consider the effects of his behaviour on others. Now he is seven he still has ways to go but i am so proud of how he is learning to handle himself and his overwhelming emotions.
Now his two little sisters are carrying the torch. I often think things would be less bumpy for them if they were singletons as I would be able to listen better to one child at a time, I would be asking them to wait less. But they're not, so sometimes things get very loud around here. We're getting there though. One of them doesn't like to be held at first. Then she wants her snugglies and time on the couch with me. The other wants to be held straight away while she calms down, very close and tight. Kind of works out especially when they go down at the same time!
Useful things to say:
'how can I help you?'
'when you've calmed down you can tell me what you need and I'll do my best to help'
'I'm here for you when you're ready'
'it's so tough when you have to wait/ find something else to play with/ give the toy back/ wait for your turn etc'
'I wish I knew what you needed, we'll get better at this'
tantrums unfortunately aren't confined to toddler years, but the same principles apply. Helping children calm down is a priority. Then helping them express what they need. As they mature they can then begin to understand that their behaviour has a direct bearing on others and they can start to see from others point of view how their shouting etc wasn't helpful. Once they're calm of course!
Monday, December 15, 2014
Friday, December 12, 2014
time after time
My two smallest have reached 2 years 5 months. They have just had a big developmental leap surrounding the perceptions of time.
For small people their understanding of time is often limited to right now. We ask them to wait and they meltdown because to them, anything beyond now is sort of equivalent to never. You may try and prompt them to tell about something exciting that happened yesterday or last week and they look at you blankly.
I was buckling one of them into her carseat the other day and she told me a story of something that had happened to her last time she was being put in her carseat. We got home from playcentre and Aunty was regaled with a story of the friend they had been playing with that morning. And suddenly, just like that they have a past! They have the ability and the tools to see a specific event and describe it without it having to be seen and experienced in the present.
Simultaneously I am noticing that the future is more tangible too. Whereas before asking them to wait for a glass of milk while I finished what I was doing must have felt like a flat refusal suddenly they are able to understand that even if it doesn't happen this instant, it will still happen. After many months of them wanting everything all at once and right now, they can understand 'finish this first, then you can have that'. That's one less tantrum in my day!
I'd love to know exactly what's happening inside that makes this new way of thinking possible.
For small people their understanding of time is often limited to right now. We ask them to wait and they meltdown because to them, anything beyond now is sort of equivalent to never. You may try and prompt them to tell about something exciting that happened yesterday or last week and they look at you blankly.
I was buckling one of them into her carseat the other day and she told me a story of something that had happened to her last time she was being put in her carseat. We got home from playcentre and Aunty was regaled with a story of the friend they had been playing with that morning. And suddenly, just like that they have a past! They have the ability and the tools to see a specific event and describe it without it having to be seen and experienced in the present.
Simultaneously I am noticing that the future is more tangible too. Whereas before asking them to wait for a glass of milk while I finished what I was doing must have felt like a flat refusal suddenly they are able to understand that even if it doesn't happen this instant, it will still happen. After many months of them wanting everything all at once and right now, they can understand 'finish this first, then you can have that'. That's one less tantrum in my day!
I'd love to know exactly what's happening inside that makes this new way of thinking possible.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Learning to Listen
It's been a year of enormous changes for me. Without going into too much detail I am now living with my sister and her two kids (instant 6 kid household!) and I have just started feeling like myself again after an extremely turbulent year.
I would like to say I have dealt with every challenge with serenity and patience but that wouldn't be strictly true. More accurately I have been given the opportunity to develop my empathy with the children in my household and to feel their bewilderment at the big emotions that overwhelm them all at times. From tantrumming two year olds to pouting ten year olds, where I might once have reacted with frustration and been tempted to punish their behaviour instead I am learning to listen. To offer my support, to wait with them until the storm subsides and life seems reasonable again.
It's not easy. Sometimes all I want is for them all to leave me alone, just for an hour where noone wants to touch me. Sometimes I just want to shout out all my frustrations or have someone listen to ME!! But the more I hold them close, the more I listen, the more I say things like 'how can I help you calm down?'or 'you sound like you need a hug!' I find I feel peaceful, connected and they're listening. When I say 'can you trust me to help you come up with a solution? lets work together to figure this out? do you need my help or have you got this one?' they listen.
Not that everything goes smoothly all the time but when things get rocky because of the big stuff or even just because someone didn't get the right fruit in their lunchbox, we're learning how to just be there for each other.
I would like to say I have dealt with every challenge with serenity and patience but that wouldn't be strictly true. More accurately I have been given the opportunity to develop my empathy with the children in my household and to feel their bewilderment at the big emotions that overwhelm them all at times. From tantrumming two year olds to pouting ten year olds, where I might once have reacted with frustration and been tempted to punish their behaviour instead I am learning to listen. To offer my support, to wait with them until the storm subsides and life seems reasonable again.
It's not easy. Sometimes all I want is for them all to leave me alone, just for an hour where noone wants to touch me. Sometimes I just want to shout out all my frustrations or have someone listen to ME!! But the more I hold them close, the more I listen, the more I say things like 'how can I help you calm down?'or 'you sound like you need a hug!' I find I feel peaceful, connected and they're listening. When I say 'can you trust me to help you come up with a solution? lets work together to figure this out? do you need my help or have you got this one?' they listen.
Not that everything goes smoothly all the time but when things get rocky because of the big stuff or even just because someone didn't get the right fruit in their lunchbox, we're learning how to just be there for each other.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Christmas advent-ures
Just over a year ago my lovely sister and her two daughters came to stay and sort of never left... actually as two single mums we found that the support we were able to offer each other was AWESOME and it was so fun to be finally in the same house since childhood!!
For the kids the transition wasn't quite so easy. At first it was fun, but then the gritty reality of living with so many others kicked in. We had two 6 year olds who just didn't really gel. Two 8 year olds who needed as much time on their own as they enjoyed together... and found the 6 year olds a little annoying... and two 1 year olds who were just... well 1 year olds. Actually they were fine. But they got fought over a bit.
Come December we decided to make our own experience based advent calendar...actually the decision was something like 'those kids are going to bond if it kills us both and if it comes to that at least we'll know they'll take turns with the spade!!!' So we planned 24 activities and hoped for the best! Every day they kids would find a note they took turns reading to the others and they would speculate all day over what was coming. Then at the appointed time a basket on the table would mysteriously fill with whatever they needed for the activity to take place. We were all reminiscing the other day and trying to remember them all... and we couldn't so I shall share some of the most memorable. Some were elaborate, some very simple...
The whispers, the giggles, the 'remember when's... although the pace was frantic and required us to be far more organised than I have ever been in my life for 24 consecutive days the payoff was huge. The shared experiences have led to a treasure trove of shared memories and they became a unit, a household, the sensational six. After Christmas my nieces were away for a few days, when they got back the reunion was so lovely, they were so happy just being together.
Now when they are all just milling round together, or the now 7 year olds are intently involved in some fabulously imaginative game together, or the 9 year olds are choosing to have their alone time in the same room, it's hard to remember there was ever a time when they just sort of didn't gel.
For the kids the transition wasn't quite so easy. At first it was fun, but then the gritty reality of living with so many others kicked in. We had two 6 year olds who just didn't really gel. Two 8 year olds who needed as much time on their own as they enjoyed together... and found the 6 year olds a little annoying... and two 1 year olds who were just... well 1 year olds. Actually they were fine. But they got fought over a bit.
Come December we decided to make our own experience based advent calendar...actually the decision was something like 'those kids are going to bond if it kills us both and if it comes to that at least we'll know they'll take turns with the spade!!!' So we planned 24 activities and hoped for the best! Every day they kids would find a note they took turns reading to the others and they would speculate all day over what was coming. Then at the appointed time a basket on the table would mysteriously fill with whatever they needed for the activity to take place. We were all reminiscing the other day and trying to remember them all... and we couldn't so I shall share some of the most memorable. Some were elaborate, some very simple...
- colouring a giant christmas tree from Mr Printables
- pavement chalk drawing
- a Christmas dance party (the basket provided snacks and some decorations and we made a playlist for the occasion)
- Christmas cookie decorating
- writing and sending Christmas cards
- making paper snowflakes
- Christmas movie and popcorn
- scavenger hunt at a local beach (we made a driftwood star for the top of our tree which we still have for this year!!)
- attending a Christmas concert
- a spa night (face masks, manicures, foot massages. My sister and I dressed up and adopted Scandinavian accents for the occasion and engaged the fascinated and amused customers in polite conversation. Hilarious. )
- making Christmas decorations
- making paper houses
- crazy photo night
- games night
- some fake snow messy play using this recipe from Growing a Jeweled Rose.
The whispers, the giggles, the 'remember when's... although the pace was frantic and required us to be far more organised than I have ever been in my life for 24 consecutive days the payoff was huge. The shared experiences have led to a treasure trove of shared memories and they became a unit, a household, the sensational six. After Christmas my nieces were away for a few days, when they got back the reunion was so lovely, they were so happy just being together.
Now when they are all just milling round together, or the now 7 year olds are intently involved in some fabulously imaginative game together, or the 9 year olds are choosing to have their alone time in the same room, it's hard to remember there was ever a time when they just sort of didn't gel.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
You try saying 'why did the chicken cross the road' in an angry voice...
Yet another post I forgot to post. Blame it on the twins! Written Nov 2012. Enjoy!
Life is crazy around here lots of the time. Especially outside school hours. There are babies needing me, and 8 year old with important things to tell me and a 5 year old. A newly started at school five year old. A really tired newly started at school 5 year old.
He has adjusted so well to having to share me with two demanding babies, but that was when he was at home most of the time. I have noticed as the weeks have gone by that we are starting to argue more, he raises his voice, I raise mine, he raises his more... (notice he always starts it! Who else!!!)
It got to the stage the other week where I was so sick of it. Sick mostly of my own bad behaviour and that I was modelling perfectly tired 5 year old grumps. It comes so naturally to me!!
I called a meeting, just Mr 5 and I. What can we do to stop us grumping at each other was the topic up for discussion. I had an idea that we have a word, something safe, unconnected to anything we're talking about and silly, as silly as possible. A word that either one of us could call which would mean 'stop and adjust the way you're talking. Now.' A way I could avoid having to say 'don't use that tone of voice with me young man' a million times a day in exactly the tone of voice I wanted him to stop using. Pretty cool plan I thought. But we went with his.
'Okay Mum, this is what we're going to do. When you hear me start to get angry just hurry up and tell me a joke'
Ooh yes, I'd far rather exercise my puerile sense of humour than my puerile bad behaviour!
Life is crazy around here lots of the time. Especially outside school hours. There are babies needing me, and 8 year old with important things to tell me and a 5 year old. A newly started at school five year old. A really tired newly started at school 5 year old.
He has adjusted so well to having to share me with two demanding babies, but that was when he was at home most of the time. I have noticed as the weeks have gone by that we are starting to argue more, he raises his voice, I raise mine, he raises his more... (notice he always starts it! Who else!!!)
It got to the stage the other week where I was so sick of it. Sick mostly of my own bad behaviour and that I was modelling perfectly tired 5 year old grumps. It comes so naturally to me!!
I called a meeting, just Mr 5 and I. What can we do to stop us grumping at each other was the topic up for discussion. I had an idea that we have a word, something safe, unconnected to anything we're talking about and silly, as silly as possible. A word that either one of us could call which would mean 'stop and adjust the way you're talking. Now.' A way I could avoid having to say 'don't use that tone of voice with me young man' a million times a day in exactly the tone of voice I wanted him to stop using. Pretty cool plan I thought. But we went with his.
'Okay Mum, this is what we're going to do. When you hear me start to get angry just hurry up and tell me a joke'
Ooh yes, I'd far rather exercise my puerile sense of humour than my puerile bad behaviour!
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Obedience
I don't like it and it's not a goal for my kids.
Don't get me wrong, when I yell 'don't run on the road' I expect them to stop and do what I've told them. Even in less life and death situations I also expect them to do what I ask, to tidy their rooms, to take their dirty plates to the kitchen bench, to get dressed before school. But not simply because they are obedient.
I want them to do those things because I asked them to and they respect me enough to listen to my requests, because they trust I have their best interests at heart, because they are part of our family and we work together to make sure all the jobs get done, because they aren't arrogantly and self-centredly assuming that the world owes them and they shouldn't have to do their bit to make things happen. And because going to school in your pyjamas is a bit silly.
So I don't teach my kids obedience, I teach them respect. I teach them helpfulness, kindness, teamwork. I teach them delay of gratification, to do the work before they have the fun and rewards. Above all I work hard to give them the time and reassurance they need to know I love them.
I also teach them that if I have asked them something at an inconvenient time, or something unreasonable, that they are welcome to lovingly and respectfully let me know. Sometimes i will agree, sometimes I won't but I will listen with respect their point of view as I expect them to listen to mine.
This means my kids may appear less obedient than others sometimes. I don't put them on the naughty step or in time out. I am not punishing my kids when they disobey me or rewarding them when they do what I say. I am taking a slower more circuitous route which means they are learning some pretty big concepts which feed into all the relationships they do, or will ever, have.
Some useful things to say:
'can you say that again in a loving and respectful tone of voice',
'when you said/ did that, how do you think they felt?'
'go and calm yourself down then you can come back and make it right'
'lets get this job done and then we can play a game/ enjoy our dessert/...'
'here are the jobs that need to be done, which one would you like to do?'
Don't get me wrong, when I yell 'don't run on the road' I expect them to stop and do what I've told them. Even in less life and death situations I also expect them to do what I ask, to tidy their rooms, to take their dirty plates to the kitchen bench, to get dressed before school. But not simply because they are obedient.
I want them to do those things because I asked them to and they respect me enough to listen to my requests, because they trust I have their best interests at heart, because they are part of our family and we work together to make sure all the jobs get done, because they aren't arrogantly and self-centredly assuming that the world owes them and they shouldn't have to do their bit to make things happen. And because going to school in your pyjamas is a bit silly.
So I don't teach my kids obedience, I teach them respect. I teach them helpfulness, kindness, teamwork. I teach them delay of gratification, to do the work before they have the fun and rewards. Above all I work hard to give them the time and reassurance they need to know I love them.
I also teach them that if I have asked them something at an inconvenient time, or something unreasonable, that they are welcome to lovingly and respectfully let me know. Sometimes i will agree, sometimes I won't but I will listen with respect their point of view as I expect them to listen to mine.
This means my kids may appear less obedient than others sometimes. I don't put them on the naughty step or in time out. I am not punishing my kids when they disobey me or rewarding them when they do what I say. I am taking a slower more circuitous route which means they are learning some pretty big concepts which feed into all the relationships they do, or will ever, have.
Some useful things to say:
'can you say that again in a loving and respectful tone of voice',
'when you said/ did that, how do you think they felt?'
'go and calm yourself down then you can come back and make it right'
'lets get this job done and then we can play a game/ enjoy our dessert/...'
'here are the jobs that need to be done, which one would you like to do?'
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