Yet another post I forgot to post. Blame it on the twins! Written Nov 2012. Enjoy!
Life is crazy around here lots of the time. Especially outside school hours. There are babies needing me, and 8 year old with important things to tell me and a 5 year old. A newly started at school five year old. A really tired newly started at school 5 year old.
He has adjusted so well to having to share me with two demanding babies, but that was when he was at home most of the time. I have noticed as the weeks have gone by that we are starting to argue more, he raises his voice, I raise mine, he raises his more... (notice he always starts it! Who else!!!)
It got to the stage the other week where I was so sick of it. Sick mostly of my own bad behaviour and that I was modelling perfectly tired 5 year old grumps. It comes so naturally to me!!
I called a meeting, just Mr 5 and I. What can we do to stop us grumping at each other was the topic up for discussion. I had an idea that we have a word, something safe, unconnected to anything we're talking about and silly, as silly as possible. A word that either one of us could call which would mean 'stop and adjust the way you're talking. Now.' A way I could avoid having to say 'don't use that tone of voice with me young man' a million times a day in exactly the tone of voice I wanted him to stop using. Pretty cool plan I thought. But we went with his.
'Okay Mum, this is what we're going to do. When you hear me start to get angry just hurry up and tell me a joke'
Ooh yes, I'd far rather exercise my puerile sense of humour than my puerile bad behaviour!
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Obedience
I don't like it and it's not a goal for my kids.
Don't get me wrong, when I yell 'don't run on the road' I expect them to stop and do what I've told them. Even in less life and death situations I also expect them to do what I ask, to tidy their rooms, to take their dirty plates to the kitchen bench, to get dressed before school. But not simply because they are obedient.
I want them to do those things because I asked them to and they respect me enough to listen to my requests, because they trust I have their best interests at heart, because they are part of our family and we work together to make sure all the jobs get done, because they aren't arrogantly and self-centredly assuming that the world owes them and they shouldn't have to do their bit to make things happen. And because going to school in your pyjamas is a bit silly.
So I don't teach my kids obedience, I teach them respect. I teach them helpfulness, kindness, teamwork. I teach them delay of gratification, to do the work before they have the fun and rewards. Above all I work hard to give them the time and reassurance they need to know I love them.
I also teach them that if I have asked them something at an inconvenient time, or something unreasonable, that they are welcome to lovingly and respectfully let me know. Sometimes i will agree, sometimes I won't but I will listen with respect their point of view as I expect them to listen to mine.
This means my kids may appear less obedient than others sometimes. I don't put them on the naughty step or in time out. I am not punishing my kids when they disobey me or rewarding them when they do what I say. I am taking a slower more circuitous route which means they are learning some pretty big concepts which feed into all the relationships they do, or will ever, have.
Some useful things to say:
'can you say that again in a loving and respectful tone of voice',
'when you said/ did that, how do you think they felt?'
'go and calm yourself down then you can come back and make it right'
'lets get this job done and then we can play a game/ enjoy our dessert/...'
'here are the jobs that need to be done, which one would you like to do?'
Don't get me wrong, when I yell 'don't run on the road' I expect them to stop and do what I've told them. Even in less life and death situations I also expect them to do what I ask, to tidy their rooms, to take their dirty plates to the kitchen bench, to get dressed before school. But not simply because they are obedient.
I want them to do those things because I asked them to and they respect me enough to listen to my requests, because they trust I have their best interests at heart, because they are part of our family and we work together to make sure all the jobs get done, because they aren't arrogantly and self-centredly assuming that the world owes them and they shouldn't have to do their bit to make things happen. And because going to school in your pyjamas is a bit silly.
So I don't teach my kids obedience, I teach them respect. I teach them helpfulness, kindness, teamwork. I teach them delay of gratification, to do the work before they have the fun and rewards. Above all I work hard to give them the time and reassurance they need to know I love them.
I also teach them that if I have asked them something at an inconvenient time, or something unreasonable, that they are welcome to lovingly and respectfully let me know. Sometimes i will agree, sometimes I won't but I will listen with respect their point of view as I expect them to listen to mine.
This means my kids may appear less obedient than others sometimes. I don't put them on the naughty step or in time out. I am not punishing my kids when they disobey me or rewarding them when they do what I say. I am taking a slower more circuitous route which means they are learning some pretty big concepts which feed into all the relationships they do, or will ever, have.
Some useful things to say:
'can you say that again in a loving and respectful tone of voice',
'when you said/ did that, how do you think they felt?'
'go and calm yourself down then you can come back and make it right'
'lets get this job done and then we can play a game/ enjoy our dessert/...'
'here are the jobs that need to be done, which one would you like to do?'
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