I know there is a whole world of children who behave unpredictably due to allergies, food issues, difficulties like autism and myriad other things and I'm not referring to this level of need. I'm talking about the run of the mill small child who wants to do what they want to do, not what they are being told to do.
I hear about the 4 year old who won't go to bed... the one year old who insists on feeding themselves, the two year old who won't get their shoes on, the child who doesn't want to go to the park, who doesn't want to leave the park. I've got some of them around here. They learn best by testing limits not by being told, they don't like the word no, and their reaction to it is often loud, explosive and frustrating!!!
It's easy to put a label on kids, 'strong willed' is one I am especially hesitant to hand out. I think when we do this we absolve ourselves from thinking too deeply about what our child's behaviour might really be expressing, and the onus is not so much on us to nurture that strength as to feel justified in our irritation at our children's will not lining up with our own.
Things I find helpful to think about when my children are being extra stroppy:
How well am I listening to them?
Are they feeling connected to me? Do I stop and listen when they tell me something important? If not, I can hardly expect them to do the same for me.
How many decisions are they getting to make about their day?
Imagine having other people make every decision for you: when you woke,. when and what you ate, what you wore, where you went, what you did...sometimes I feel like this as it is and I hate it! Just like some adults struggle against too much routine, some children seem more sensitive to the perception of control. What decisions can I hand over to them? Where can I ask for their opinion? Dinner menus? Where I'm going to park when I go to the library? What I'm going to wear?
How much am I saying 'no' to them?
they might have been asking to do lots of things I can't allow, I may have been stopping them drawing on walls or hitting siblings, I'm not suggesting we should encourage this behaviour but if all they are hearing is no from me, how can I expect them to answer all my requests with an enthusiastic yes? Sometimes this takes creativity...but it's not too hard to say 'I see you want to do some drawing, lets get you some paper. When you're done we could come back and clean that wall together!'
Is what I am insisting they do really that important?
Sometimes it might feel that way to me when truly, truly in the grand scheme of things it doesn't. It's fairly short-sighted of me to think that their future as a functional human being hinges entirely on this one interaction, on their following this one instruction. Worth considering.
Finally I keep in mind their future
I was a stubborn, strong willed child, my parents tell stories which now are hilarious about me refusing to get out of the bath... going to bed naked rather than wear pyjamas I hadn't personally chosen... at the time I can imagine my poor mother wanting to bang her head against the wall and wishing trademe was invented so she could list me on it. Now my stubbornness allows me to hang on to my principles even when others don't share them. It allows me to be optimistic and search doggedly for solutions in some really dark and despairing times, to sit in the middle of chaos on really crazy days and laugh at that small funny thing that happened earlier because I am not going to be overcome by mess or noise or lack of energy or my stupidly long to do list. It means I enjoy life even when life sucks... because I am determined to! If you can take some time to get outside the way their behaviour is affecting you right now and focus on the long term view, you just might feel differently about them. Having a postive view of my child and their quirks makes a huge difference in my relationship with them.
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