forcing the issue

I like to think as I grow older I'm getting better at thinking like a small person.

Miss 18 months was playing in a little play enclosure, it comes with just a few toys and it's a popular piece of equipment. I have seen kids of all ages use it in vastly different ways. Miss 2 came along and wanted in. It is definitely big enough for 2 willing children (and I do stress willing) but as I was supervising both girls I figured we could play a nice game with one out and one in. This we did for quite some time. Then Miss 2 wanted in. Miss 18 months registered her protest by screeching and looking very unhappy but she stayed her ground. Things held steady for a few minutes then in the space of a blink miss 2 had a handful of hair and was reaching for the other girls face. Luckily her mum was close by and she was swept up and off to something safer pretty quickly and I was left to deal with the now furious 2 year old.
From an adult perspective I see this: a child with no right or claim to a play space, not even the right of 'I was there first' is unjustifiably furious with another child for no reason other than a pig-headed refusal to let her have anything that looks good. So easy to go in with guns blazing and growl, force apology or enforce punishment. And probably quite justifiable too. But in this case I put my arms round her and listened 'she was in my way, I wanted her to go away' 'that must've made you feel really cross' 'yes, really cross'
What logic can I apply here? 'she wasn't in your way, she was doing her own thing?' well, she kind of was in my way, I was doing a thing too... 'suck it kiddo, you're going to have to concede a whole lot worse than that in your life!!!' Yeah, that was about all I could think of to say so I stopped with a cuddle and something along the lines of  'it's really hard to share sometimes'.
But it is!!! This kid is about to have a sibling arrive, sometimes sharing will be a complete joy to her but fairly often it will be tedious and annoying.
I think of how much I relate to those beautiful little mutinous pursed lips. Lately I've had to let my husband take over in the kitchen far more often than i like. Not that I'm any great cook but I have ways I like things done, places I like things to go, I'm left handed... and although I'm grateful I get to rest half of me is conserving my energy until I can get up and put everything back the way I want it. With fairly bad grace usually I might add. It's not MY kitchen or MY space or MY stuff and yet... sometimes it's so hard to share.
We'll both get there in the end but for now, that little play enclosure to those small girls, strictly a one player game. The other can come and play with me somewhere else while she waits.

Learning adventures

Synchronised playing.

My wee girls are almost 8 months, time is racing by! I find myself doing a lot of caretaking (feeding, nose wiping, nappy changing) but just realised how much they are learning even when I am not interacting with them (perhaps particularly then!) Time to capture some moments and of course to remember that everything I do is contributing to helping them unfold into little learners!!!

Today they had their first big play outside! The sun has lost some of it's ferocity so decided to set them up on the deck after lunch. They had a very interesting quilt to lie on, some familiar toys and lots of unfamiliar things to look at and explore.
Thing 2 discovered that if she lay on her back and beat her legs on the deck it made a neat sound
Thing 1 found an ice cream container and explored the possibilities that involved! She tried to chew it, she turned it round and round in her hands, she scratched it with her fingers and explored the texture and the sound.
They both spent lots of time looking at the sky.
Their attention was held for a long time by the colours and patterns and textures in the quilt (which also had large buttons sewn on it - extra interesting!).
Thing 2 crawled off the quilt and onto the deck and felt the texture of the ridges of wood with her fingers.

And because I am a playcentre nerd:

Links to Te Whaariki
Strand 5 -exploration
Goal 1 : Children experience an environment where their play is valued as meaningful learning and the importance of spontaneous play is recognised.
I was nearby as I hung out my washing and took pictures but I took care not to intrude and not to divert their attention. 

Goal 2: Children experience an environment where they gain confidence in and control of their bodies.
They had a safe spot where they could practise moving and interesting things they could reach for and be encouraged to move towards.

Goal 3: Children experience an environment where they learn strategies for active exploration  thinking and reasoning.
They had plenty of new visual and sensory experiences and uninterrupted time to explore them.

Goal 4: Children experience an environment where they develop working theories for making sense of the natural, social, physical and material worlds.
They were able to experience light and shade, the contrast of warmth and cool. They were able to view some familiar things and try familiar experiences in unfamiliar territory. Sometimes with very different results!

To each, their own.

Or, why I am the crazy lady who refuses to attempt to get her twins into the same 'schedule'

Scheduling babies. My current irk.
I am not a schedules person. I love organising grand routines for how I am going to get my housework done, how I am going to tackle a large job by breaking it up into smaller bits and deciding exactly when I am going to tackle each part... my house is littered with evidence of such organisation! Execution... not my strong point. I can manage to do the same thing each day for approximately 3 days before i get bored and feel the need to rearrange all my furniture. Who am I kidding, probably 1 day's my real limit!!!

When I had my first child every mum I knew loved Babywise. You may be familiar, 3 hourly, eat, play, sleep cycles, baby sleeping all night at 6 weeks... I was well aware that my time for knowing everything about babies ended approximately 5 minutes before giving birth so I soaked up all the advice like a sponge and followed the advised baby schedules to the best of my ability.

Then I had my second child. I realised that what I thought was me following a schedule with my first was just her being an easy to read baby who was happy to go along with me. This one was a totally different beast. I couldn't just put him to bed most of the time, I needed to lie down with him on my chest to help him relax enough for sleep. I couldn't feed him more or less 3 hourly. Often it was more or less hourly. If he was tired he didn't want to be put in his bed so he could snuggle his blanket, blink his beautiful eyes at me, give me a slight smile and drift off to sleep. And when he grew into a toddler I remember looking at him and having a scary sort of lightbulb moment. I realised I did not know this child at all. I had never met him before. I didn't know how to make sure he listened to me, I didn't know how to give him instructions in a language he would respond to. I didn't know what made him happy or sad because he was a completely new person unfolding before my eyes. It was scary because I realised how much I had to learn and exciting because I couldn't wait to find out.

Then I had twins.

they still do love sleeping together...

For the first 6 weeks or so I changed, fed put them back to bed together. It was so easy! Well, relatively. Because I was tending to all their needs at the same time it took only a fraction longer than if I was looking after only one baby. Then one day No2 kept herself awake most of the day, fighting against those heavy eyelids and crying everytime she fell asleep dammit! Just her, not her sister. It was around then I realised I didn't have one lot of two babies, I had two lots of one baby. So I backed off watching the clock, backed off waking up the sleeping baby in order to make things easier. I made for myself a bit of a baby feeding marathon as I would feed one, then both, then the other... then all over again, sometimes all day. They would take turns having times where I had no idea of their 'sleep cues' so couldn't anticipate the tired crying so threw some stressed out baby rocking into the mix. And hours of feeding, crying, feeding, crying from their overtired state. From them and me. There have been plenty of times when I have left babies crying alone in their beds as I have been dealing with one baby and the other one has had to wait. Heartbreaking. Or after an all night baby marathon I'd be dying for a nap but they would never both be asleep at the same time. Then things started to get easier, I got a bit more sleep (and got better at sleeping sitting up...) and some strange things have happened.
1) with very little conscious effort from me the babies have synced up again, not around my will but more around the ebb and flow of our household combined with their rhythms
2) we have some guaranteed nap times
3) they are happy, chilled out babies. They can cope with being alone, they are happy to play in their beds before sleeping and one of them on waking (the other usually wakes sounding as if cannibals are nibbling her toes)

stressed out by looking after 2 babies at once

4) I see how quickly things are changing for them. I can respond to No2's extra sleepy day by not stressing out that the extra long nap she's taking will mess up her night sleeping and throw her routine out. I can respond to No1's need for extra feeds by.. well.. feeding her extra! And I know that although today might be really hard, tomorrow is bound not to be (and vice versa for the pessimist in me!!!) and I am taking my little girls as they come at their own speed. And they're only 4 months. Lots more changes to come!

So that's why.

Hi there. As it has been nearly a year since I last posted anything, I strongly suspect I am merely talking t myself now. Which is fine by me!
Since I started this blog with the usual good intentions of keeping my brain active through writing regularly on topics of fascination to me, I have conceived, carried, given birth to and nurtured currently 3 month old twin girls. Yes - super gorgeous identical twin girls!!! Hence the goal of keeping my brain active became a futile one a long time ago.
Instead I will attempt to hijack my own blog for rants. Just don't expect careful research and please bear in mind I probably haven't slept much lately!!!
Look forward to getting used to hearing my own voice again!!

Cast of Characters

Well, it's been a while since I have written anything but I have a whole new phase going on around here I'm looking forward to sharing!

My now Mr 4 is transforming. With a vengeance. He is fully engaged in being different characters and we have quite a cast, I never know who will be coming to visit. He will disappear for a time, often outside where I hear bike wheels on the driveway followed by a knock on the door.

So far we have:
Santa - you may be familiar with him, he says ho ho ho a lot and gives everyone presents. He has hundreds of children apparently that my son loves to play with so we always have nice long visits. After he goes I always find all sorts of fun things stashed in fun bags and parcels and boxes waiting for me to find them.

Williams measure - he comes with his ruler and his tool kit. Everyone knows that to fix and build stuff you have to have an accurate set of measurements. He has a nice deep voice and is great at spotting all the broken stuff around the place.

Pirate Will - he says 'arrgh' and always offers to help. He's a very helpful and good pirate, he often shows up when I am doing dishes or folding washing. He doesn't have a parrot, apparently he doesn't like them, just normal birds. I can tell it's him by his hat and his pirate accent.

Dr Vehicle - the first time he showed up was when my daughter had hurt herself. He tried very hard to heal her with music he played on the keyboard, as the latest research dictates. He doesn't smile or laugh much but he likes to discuss things he knows and things he's finding out about.

Eugene - I have a bit of a soft spot for Eugene. He walks with a swagger and he's just cool. He always gives me fabulous compliments, I think he does okay with the ladies. When he arrives he always swaggers in with a super cool lift of the chin and says 'hi, how're you doing'

It delights me that his personas are just accepted by the whole family and no one blinks an eye when he's suddenly someone else.

I also love when the 'real' Mr4 returns, that the reunion is just as good as when he has actually been somewhere else for a whole day, we have so much to catch up on!

I find it hilarious and fascinating that we all get so much into the swing of things that I do actually feel like I have someone else visiting. His observation and attention to detail is quite remarkable.

I wonder though, I am doing some transforming myself, I am incubating twins so the change is becoming quite dramatic! His phase started soon after mine did - I can't help but wonder if the two are linked! His Mum, and our entire family are in the process of becoming something quite different, I could be waxing far too philosophical but I just wonder if it's a way for him to explore these ideas of things and people changing.

The Power of Praise

I read an article recently in this magazine which really challenged my thinking. If I misquote any please forgive me, I was waiting for someone while I read it, don't have a copy so I can't refer to it.... but I have been thinking about it so much since.

Basically it was about what our praise does to our kids. We praise our kids for everything, which is cool, we do it because we think they're great, and because we want them to keep doing all the good stuff they do. Like classical conditioning, we're trying to reward their good behaviour so they have pleasant associations with it and want to keep doing it. But what if kids aren't like little animals? What if they're critically thinking individuals with their own minds, ideas and wills?
I can't quote the sources but according to some studies quoted in the article, when kids were praised for sharing with other kids they actually shared less. It appears all the 'good sharing honey' stuff made the act of sharing into a way to get praise from a parent. Counter-intuitive huh?

The alternative: non-judgemental observations. Facts.

To say 'wow, good painting' makes painting something that's good or bad. To say 'look at your big brush strokes' or 'gee you've used lots of colours!!' allows painting to be something experimental, something that can be enjoyed for the brush strokes and the colours. Children are given the opportunity to decide for themselves if it's 'good' Or what about just 'you look like you're having fun!'

Let sharing be about making other people feel good. Instead of 'good job' try 'look at how much she's enjoying that toy' 'look at his big smile, see how happy he is that you gave him a turn on the digger'

I want my children to feel good about their creative selves, to feel confident in the value of their own explorations. I don't want them to grow up needing to seek other people's good opinions of themselves or their work to feel satisfied or worthy.

My 3 year old is quilting!

Yesterday we were in a fabric shop. We were the only customers. Mr 3 ran from display to display declaring 'this is what I want, it's so yellow' 'this is what I want, it feels so smooth' 'look at this Mum, this is amazing, it has sparkles' ooh I love this golden one, this is what I want' But it was when he proclaimed 'I wish I didn't have my own house, I wish I had a fabric shop to live in' that the shop owner was thoroughly won over. He presented Mr 3 with a fat quater of quilting fabric he could keep. At first glance he saw it was brown and was not exactly thrilled. But then he saw the diggers and concrete mixers printed on it and fell in love. He spent the rest of the day stroking it, folding and unfolding it, showing it to people, musing over what he could make it into... any fabric addicts out there, does any of this sound familiar!!! He was torn between a blanket to snuggle under or a blanket to have a picnic on. I suggested we see what Grandma had in her fabric stash that we could use with it (I always like to be generous with Grandma's stash!!!) and that we could make the blanket first before he decided. "Yes, good idea' he agreed 'it needs some orange. And some blue. And green' and when we were in the cave of delights that is my mothers sewing room 'Sparkles. And could we put some beads on it'
I dutifully made it up into a very simple (quick!) quilt top and was pondering hard over how to quilt it so the pattern of his precious fabric wouldn't be obscured. I ran idea past him. 'Ummm... no. I want small squares around each digger and rectangles on the orange part and triangles on the blue.' While I sewed he sat beside me working the foot pedal. Or sat on my knee guiding the fabric with his hands. And he chose thread colours, nearly forgot that, by lining up all the available colours on the strip to be quilted and choosing which looked the best. I didn't think it would be him being mini me!!

Anyone who knows me knows 2 things: I like to buck the trends on formal early childhood education and I like to follow my children's interests and see what magical places they can take me. Us. Well, them really but I get so much out of it too. This scenario is a cool story but more than that it screams opportunity to me. And one I am loath to miss. And not just because I will jump on any reason (excuse?) to start and finish a quilting project!

So...what has he learned? He has been able to develop his interest in colour, in texture, he has been able to use and extend his vocabulary of adjectives, he has been able to emulate what he sees me and Grandma do with fabric, he has been able to plan a project, he has been able to use his knowledge of geometry in an awesomely meaningful context.

My response to his learning? I don't know where this is going. I'm trying to be prepared for the next step whatever it might be. I wonder is this about the fabric? the colour? making something? doing something together he knows I love? So far I have given him as much control of the project as I was able to relinquish and still come out with a finished product! I have let him choose the colours of fabric. I didn't give him total free reign here, I picked the actual fabrics and submitted them for his approval, if you saw The Stash you'd know why - we'd still be choosing at Christmas!!! He chose the thread. His picks were interesting and not what I would've chosen sometimes but then what do I know, they look awesome! I'll be asking him for his input in my projects in the future.

Kaffe Fassett knitting.

I am on the lookout for more ideas for exploring colour and texture, and I want to introduce him to Hundertwasser and Kaffe Fassett. I want to point out the richness of colour and texture in The Very Hungry Caterpillar next time we read it.
And the next time I hear the words 'I want to make...' my ears will prick up.

Hundertwasser

He's getting more than just a quilt out of this. He could be getting a love of making things, a love of fabric, it could be sparking an interest in design or maybe just an assurance that while I may have to say no to lots of his ideas (like ones that involve screwdrivers and small appliances or soccer balls and televisions) I am willing to listen to him, give his thoughts some credence, and support his creativity and help him see his ideas come to fruition.