Drop off childcare is sort of new for my girls. They have one day for two and a half hours, starting last term.  As we are at Playcentre they are dropped off in the same centre they have been at since they were babies, it's just that now they get to have an extra day there without me. They have some strong relationships, they are independent and comfortable in their surroundings, they are able to let people know when they are hungry or need to go to the toilet and are able to trust the adults around them enough to let them help. The wonderful mums there too are respectful of their play, and right now of their need to be different identities and be called different names, and they make an effort to remember who is Elsa, who is Ben or Holly or William or Grace or... last week when I picked them up they had name tags with their assumed name printed large and their real name in brackets.

However the week just gone was one of those times when you really appreciate how differently toddlers think. I was greeted with enthusiasm as I arrived for pickup and received great reports from them and the adults who spent time with them about all the fun things they had done. No toileting accidents (yay!!!) no upsets, just happy settled play. They both expressed to me how they didn't want to leave (yay!!!) and we went on our merry way. Until we were part way home.

I am not sure what the trigger was as it was behind me in the back seat but Thing 1 started to cry. Not just cry - scream and wail and howl. In that special ear-splitting way she has. It continued the entire 10 minute drive, the extra 10 minutes it took for me to get Thing 2 and the gear out of the car and into the house, and the next 20 minutes of me carrying her and lying down with her on my tummy to cuddle and talk. She just couldn't calm herself down enough to tell me what was wrong in all that time, I felt so helpless, I was desperate to find out what she needed and I had literally no clue.
Finally she took some breaths, managed a shaky "I'm better" and told me "you did it wrong way mummy" okay... I guess that was something to work with...but seriously what on earth? the car? the music in the car? the seatbelt? each wrong guess of course was so upsetting to the child trying to communicate something to what must've felt like the stupidest adult on the planet:
the answer? her name tag.
As there were some new people at Playcentre this morning I had written their names on stickers as some people find it hard to remember who's who. "you said I was Meredith but I wanted to be Ava" And then I remembered, I had been in a hurry, I hadn't even asked what name she wanted or explained that I would need to put her actual name there too to help out the new people.
I apologised, she said "I forgive you mummy, I love you mummy" and we got on with our lives (after a very long nap!)

The scenario seemed (to my adult brain) over the top ridiculous so i spent a long time trying to see things through her eyes. And I guess it isn't really so different after all. Her need to be respected, her need to be heard and understood and supported. She has a 2 year old's communication skills and assertiveness and at this stage in her life she needs advocates. I wondered how many times it probably happened that she had done a painting or a drawing and a helpful adult had written her name on and she had thought "but I'm Ava today" or had been cheering her on while she ran "really fast" and they said "what is your name, oh that's right, Meredith" and all these little interactions built up inside her. And the origin of all of them was the name I had given her today. And how often do I do that in my other relationships? Make assumptions of what people need based on what I think without checking first? Listen but not reflectively?
I am so thankful for the lessons these children teach me, for the way they give me pause.

In Defence of the Defensive

I hear the phrase 'the strong willed child' bandied around a bit. It makes me wonder. Especially when I hear it being used to describe very young children, the under two's... or as if it is some kind of affliction, a hardship, something terrible for parents to deal with.

I know there is a whole world of children who behave unpredictably due to allergies, food issues, difficulties like autism and myriad other things and I'm not referring to this level of need. I'm talking about the run of the mill small child who wants to do what they want to do, not what they are being told to do.

I hear about the 4 year old who won't go to bed... the one year old who insists on feeding themselves, the two year old who won't get their shoes on, the child who doesn't want to go to the park, who doesn't want to leave the park. I've got some of them around here. They learn best by testing limits not by being told, they don't like the word no, and their reaction to it is often loud, explosive and frustrating!!!

It's easy to put a label on kids, 'strong willed' is one I am especially hesitant to hand out. I think when we do this we absolve ourselves from thinking too deeply about what our child's behaviour might really be expressing, and the onus is not so much on us to nurture that strength as to feel justified in our irritation at our children's will not lining up with our own.

Things I find helpful to think about when my children are being extra stroppy:

How well am I listening to them?
Are they feeling connected to me? Do I stop and listen when they tell me something important? If not, I can hardly expect them to do the same for me.

How many decisions are they getting to make about their day?
Imagine having other people make every decision for you: when you woke,. when and what you ate, what you wore, where you went, what you did...sometimes I feel like this as it is and I hate it! Just like some adults struggle against too much routine, some children seem more sensitive to the perception of control. What decisions can I hand over to them? Where can I ask for their opinion? Dinner menus? Where I'm going to park when I go to the library? What I'm going to wear?

How much am I saying 'no' to them?
they might have been asking to do lots of things I can't allow, I may have been stopping them drawing on walls or hitting siblings, I'm not suggesting we should encourage this behaviour but if all they are hearing is no from me, how can I expect them to answer all my requests with an enthusiastic yes? Sometimes this takes creativity...but it's not too hard to say 'I see you want to do some drawing, lets get you some paper. When you're done we could come back and clean that wall together!'

Is what I am insisting they do really that important?
Sometimes it might feel that way to me when truly, truly in the grand scheme of things it doesn't. It's fairly short-sighted of me to think that their future as a functional human being hinges entirely on this one interaction, on their following this one instruction. Worth considering.

Finally I keep in mind their future
I was a stubborn, strong willed child, my parents tell stories which now are hilarious about me refusing to get out of the bath... going to bed naked rather than wear pyjamas I hadn't personally chosen... at the time I can imagine my poor mother wanting to bang her head against the wall and wishing trademe was invented so she could list me on it. Now my stubbornness allows me to hang on to my principles even when others don't share them. It allows me to be optimistic and search doggedly for solutions in some really dark and despairing times, to sit in the middle of chaos on really crazy days and laugh at that small funny thing that happened earlier because I am not going to be overcome by mess or noise or lack of energy or my stupidly long to do list. It means I enjoy life even when life sucks... because I am determined to! If you can take some time to get outside the way their behaviour is affecting you right now and focus on the long term view, you just might feel differently about them. Having a postive view of my child and their quirks makes a huge difference in my relationship with them.

crying over crushed weet-bix...

One of those moments today that showed me how much i need to work on my listening!

I was busy today, had lots to get done in a short space of time. And I needed the kitchen tidy to do it. I instructed everyone to eat their breakfast so I could get dishes through and of course Mister 7 went slowly.
I was irritated. I wanted it done, I wanted him to do it and rather than  being helpful, I seethed.
I know this kid. He's like me. Unless he's had his breakfast he's useless at organising breakfast. Especially if he's been up for a while. And he's volatile with low blood sugar. And it would've been a small thing to sit next to his distracted self and explain, and offer to help and gently keep him on task. But I wanted someone to look out for me this morning. I felt stressed and harried and that was all I could see.
The whole situation culminated in me not putting enough milk with his weet-bix... and mashing them up even though he told me he didn't like it that way... with him crying and running out of the room.... with me grumping... with lots of back and forth... with me thinking how trivial his upsets were and how hard it is to deal with such ridiculous people all day and then suddenly it struck me and I managed to be the adult in the situation (I guess SOMEBODY had to do it!!) "It makes you sad when I don't listen doesn't it?" I observed "YES" he wailed and just like that his posture changed, he went from being an angry, tense, little person to being my sweet soft and cuddly one. I apologised for not stopping to listen, explained that I was feeling a bit stressed that I had so much to do and that I had been so caught up in what I wanted that I hadn't stopped to help him with his breakfast when he needed it. And in a flash, the breakfast was eaten and he was gone and my kitchen was clear just the way I wanted.
It was about the weet-bix. But it wasn't really about the weet-bix. It was about me not knowing how he likes it, about me not caring, about me not listening, about me railroading him with my agenda. I just happened to do it with weet-bix.
I guess this is what it will be like with this kid. I am unlikely ever to be able to completely set myself aside, to be the perfect parent. We will have these clashes, these disconnected discordant times followed by fervent resolutions, times of deep connection and appreciation.
I strive to learn the ins and outs of him though, the deep waters, the ways we can be unified, to be not just a provider for him but a friend, someone he can trust to always have his best interests at heart.

tantrums

I don't punish tantrums. I don't give time out for tantrums, I don't ignore them, I don't battle them. I'm not a fan mind you, they interrupt my life and hurt my ears...
When my eldest daughter was small she only threw one or two. She was one of those children you should never have first because you think you've got this parenting thing sussed. Then her brother was born. He was one of those who shatters that illusion. He threw tantrums the like of which I had only read about. Epic, long-lived, desperate, inconsolable tantrums. About many things. About waking up after naps. About arriving places. About leaving places. About shoes. About bedtime. About nothing I could fathom.
I had been taught that the swifter you dealt with this sort of behaviour the better chance you had of nipping it in the bud. But he was a good and patient teacher and gave me many many chances to learn how to be truly patient and loving and supportive. And that rather than 'dealing with' this behaviour I was there to guide him through it, to give him the skills to manage the storms and to address the needs driving it.
I learned to wait, to be there for him, to hold him when he needed it but to give him the time and space to calm down. Eventually he outgrew this phase, as his ability to communicate his needs increased, when he stopped taking naps, and little by little through his life he has learned to calm himself down quicker and to consider the effects of his behaviour on others. Now he is seven he still has ways to go but i am so proud of how he is learning to handle himself and his overwhelming emotions.
Now his two little sisters are carrying the torch. I often think things would be less bumpy for them if they were singletons as I would be able to listen better to one child at a time, I would be asking them to wait less. But they're not, so sometimes things get very loud around here. We're getting there though. One of them doesn't like to be held at first. Then she wants her snugglies and time on the couch with me. The other wants to be held straight away while she calms down, very close and tight. Kind of works out especially when they go down at the same time!

Useful things to say:
'how can I help you?'
'when you've calmed down you can tell me what you need and I'll do my best to help'
'I'm here for you when you're ready'
'it's so tough when you have to wait/ find something else to play with/ give the toy back/ wait for your turn etc'
'I wish I knew what you needed, we'll get better at this'

tantrums unfortunately aren't confined to toddler years, but the same principles apply. Helping children calm down is a priority. Then helping them express what they need. As they mature they can then begin to understand that their behaviour has a direct bearing on others and they can start to see from others point of view how their shouting etc wasn't helpful. Once they're calm of course!

time after time

My two smallest have reached 2 years 5 months. They have just had a big developmental leap surrounding the perceptions of time.
For small people their understanding of time is often limited to right now. We ask them to wait and they meltdown because to them, anything beyond now is sort of equivalent to never. You may try and prompt them to tell about something exciting that happened yesterday or last week and they look at you blankly.
I was buckling one of them into her carseat the other day and she told me a story of something that had happened to her last time she was being put in her carseat. We got home from playcentre and Aunty was regaled with a story of the friend they had been playing with that morning. And suddenly, just like that they have a past! They have the ability and the tools to see a specific event and describe it without it having to be seen and experienced in the present.
Simultaneously I am noticing that the future is more tangible too. Whereas before asking them to wait for a glass of milk while I finished what I was doing must have felt like a flat refusal suddenly they are able to understand that even if it doesn't happen this instant, it will still happen. After many months of them wanting everything all at once and right now, they can understand 'finish this first, then you can have that'. That's one less tantrum in my day!
I'd love to know exactly what's happening inside that makes this new way of thinking possible.

Learning to Listen

It's been a year of enormous changes for me. Without going into too much detail I am now living with my sister and her two kids (instant 6 kid household!) and I have just started feeling like myself again after an extremely turbulent year.

I would like to say I have dealt with every challenge with serenity and patience but that wouldn't be strictly true. More accurately I have been given the opportunity to develop my empathy with the children in my household and to feel their bewilderment at the big emotions that overwhelm them all at times. From tantrumming two year olds to pouting ten year olds, where I might once have reacted with frustration and been tempted to punish their behaviour instead I am learning to listen. To offer my support, to wait with them until the storm subsides and life seems reasonable again.

It's not easy. Sometimes all I want is for them all to leave me alone, just for an hour where noone wants to touch me. Sometimes I just want to shout out all my frustrations or have someone listen to ME!! But the more I hold them close, the more I listen, the more I say things like 'how can I help you calm down?'or 'you sound like you need a hug!' I find I feel peaceful, connected and they're listening. When I say 'can you trust me to help you come up with a solution? lets work together to figure this out? do you need my help or have you got this one?' they listen.

Not that everything goes smoothly all the time but when things get rocky because of the big stuff or even just because someone didn't get the right fruit in their lunchbox, we're learning how to just be there for each other.

Christmas advent-ures

Just over a year ago my lovely sister and her two daughters came to stay and sort of never left... actually as two single mums we found that the support we were able to offer each other was AWESOME and it was so fun to be finally in the same house since childhood!!

For the kids the transition wasn't quite so easy. At first it was fun, but then the gritty reality of living with so many others kicked in. We had two 6 year olds who just didn't really gel. Two 8 year olds who needed as much time on their own as they enjoyed together... and found the 6 year olds a little annoying... and two 1 year olds who were just... well 1 year olds. Actually they were fine. But they got fought over a bit.

Come December we decided to make our own experience based advent calendar...actually the decision was something like 'those kids are going to bond if it kills us both and if it comes to that at least we'll know they'll take turns with the spade!!!' So we planned 24 activities and hoped for the best! Every day they kids would find a note they took turns reading to the others and they would speculate all day over what was coming. Then at the appointed time a basket on the table would mysteriously fill with whatever they needed for the activity to take place. We were all reminiscing the other day and trying to remember them all... and we couldn't so I shall share some of the most memorable. Some were elaborate, some very simple...

• colouring a giant christmas tree from Mr Printables
• pavement chalk drawing
• a Christmas dance party (the basket provided snacks and some decorations and we made a playlist for the occasion)
• Christmas cookie decorating
• writing and sending Christmas cards
• making paper snowflakes
• Christmas movie and popcorn
• scavenger hunt at a local beach (we made a driftwood star for the top of our tree which we still have for this year!!)
• attending a Christmas concert
• a spa night (face masks, manicures, foot massages. My sister and I dressed up and adopted Scandinavian accents for the occasion and engaged the fascinated and amused customers in polite conversation. Hilarious. )
• making Christmas decorations 
• making paper houses
• crazy photo night
• games night
• some fake snow messy play using this recipe from Growing a Jeweled Rose.

The whispers, the giggles, the 'remember when's... although the pace was frantic and required us to be far more organised than I have ever been in my life for 24 consecutive days the payoff was huge. The shared experiences have led to a treasure trove of shared memories and they became a unit, a household, the sensational six. After Christmas my nieces were away for a few days, when they got back the reunion was so lovely, they were so happy just being together.
Now when they are all just milling round together, or the now 7 year olds are intently involved in some fabulously imaginative game together, or the 9 year olds are choosing to have their alone time in the same room, it's hard to remember there was ever a time when they just sort of didn't gel.

You try saying 'why did the chicken cross the road' in an angry voice...

Yet another post I forgot to post. Blame it on the twins! Written Nov 2012. Enjoy!

Life is crazy around here lots of the time. Especially outside school hours. There are babies needing me, and 8 year old with important things to tell me and a 5 year old. A newly started at school five year old. A really tired newly started at school 5 year old.

He has adjusted so well to having to share me with two demanding babies, but that was when he was at home most of the time. I have noticed as the weeks have gone by that we are starting to argue more, he raises his voice, I raise mine, he raises his more... (notice he always starts it! Who else!!!)
It got to the stage the other week where I was so sick of it. Sick mostly of my own bad behaviour and that I was modelling perfectly tired 5 year old grumps. It comes so naturally to me!!

I called a meeting, just Mr 5 and I. What can we do to stop us grumping at each other was the topic up for discussion. I had an idea that we have a word, something safe, unconnected to anything we're talking about and silly, as silly as possible. A word that either one of us could call which would mean 'stop and adjust the way you're talking. Now.' A way I could avoid having to say 'don't use that tone of voice with me young man' a million times a day in exactly the tone of voice I wanted him to stop using. Pretty cool plan I thought. But we went with his.

'Okay Mum, this is what we're going to do. When you hear me start to get angry just hurry up and tell me a joke'
Ooh yes, I'd far rather exercise my puerile sense of humour than my puerile bad behaviour!

Obedience

I don't like it and it's not a goal for my kids.

Don't get me wrong, when I yell 'don't run on the road' I expect them to stop and do what I've told them. Even in less life and death situations I also expect them to do what I ask, to tidy their rooms, to take their dirty plates to the kitchen bench, to get dressed before school. But not simply because they are obedient.
I want them to do those things because I asked them to and they respect me enough to listen to my requests, because they trust I have their best interests at heart, because they are part of our family and we work together to make sure all the jobs get done, because they aren't arrogantly and self-centredly assuming that the world owes them and they shouldn't have to do their bit to make things happen.  And because going to school in your pyjamas is a bit silly.

So I don't teach my kids obedience, I teach them respect. I teach them helpfulness, kindness, teamwork. I teach them delay of gratification, to do the work before they have the fun and rewards. Above all I work hard to give them the time and reassurance they need to know I love them.

I also teach them that if I have asked them something at an inconvenient time, or something unreasonable, that they are welcome to lovingly and respectfully let me know. Sometimes i will agree, sometimes I won't but I will listen with respect their point of view as I expect them to listen to mine.

This means my kids may appear less obedient than others sometimes. I don't put them on the naughty step or in time out. I am not punishing my kids when they disobey me or rewarding them when they do what I say. I am taking a slower more circuitous route which means they are learning some pretty big concepts which feed into all the relationships they do, or will ever, have.

Some useful things to say:
'can you say that again in a loving and respectful tone of voice',
'when you said/ did that, how do you think they felt?'
'go and calm yourself down then you can come back and make it right'
'lets get this job done and then we can play a game/ enjoy our dessert/...'
'here are the jobs that need to be done, which one would you like to do?'

Negotiation

Not sure why I never hit publish on this 2 years ago but hey, today's as good a day as any!!!

Date unkown.

Mr3: 'Raaah look out everybody, the lava will burn you up, quick run and hide the lava is coming!'
Miss 6 (in full princess regalia, walking sedately carrying a bouquet of parsley) 'W do you want to play with me?'
'sure, I'm a dinosaur and the volcano just exploded, we have to hide!'
'but I'm a princess and I'm getting married today'
'oh.. okay, then I can rescue you, climb up on this bridge'
'no, it's not a bridge it's a boat!
'oh. no, the boat's starting to burn!'
'it's on fire, we'll have to jump out!'
'quick, here's the fire extinguisher'

Today a princess having a wedding and a fireman dinosaur rescuing people from a lava spewing volcano found common ground. Amazing. Adults couldn't do it. I am thinking the power to compromise was aided by their imagination. Why couldn't a volcano interrupt your wedding?

Imagination is something I prize. I believe if they hang on to that quality they will be much better able as adults to 'walk a mile in someone elses shoes', to concede that perhaps that rude shop assistant is having a bad day, that theirs might be the 30th difficult call that call centre worker has taken today, to imagine that although things may seem bleak right now good things may well be right around the corner, that there is a way to solve this problem if they try hard enough, they will never be bored.

forcing the issue

I like to think as I grow older I'm getting better at thinking like a small person.

Miss 18 months was playing in a little play enclosure, it comes with just a few toys and it's a popular piece of equipment. I have seen kids of all ages use it in vastly different ways. Miss 2 came along and wanted in. It is definitely big enough for 2 willing children (and I do stress willing) but as I was supervising both girls I figured we could play a nice game with one out and one in. This we did for quite some time. Then Miss 2 wanted in. Miss 18 months registered her protest by screeching and looking very unhappy but she stayed her ground. Things held steady for a few minutes then in the space of a blink miss 2 had a handful of hair and was reaching for the other girls face. Luckily her mum was close by and she was swept up and off to something safer pretty quickly and I was left to deal with the now furious 2 year old.
From an adult perspective I see this: a child with no right or claim to a play space, not even the right of 'I was there first' is unjustifiably furious with another child for no reason other than a pig-headed refusal to let her have anything that looks good. So easy to go in with guns blazing and growl, force apology or enforce punishment. And probably quite justifiable too. But in this case I put my arms round her and listened 'she was in my way, I wanted her to go away' 'that must've made you feel really cross' 'yes, really cross'
What logic can I apply here? 'she wasn't in your way, she was doing her own thing?' well, she kind of was in my way, I was doing a thing too... 'suck it kiddo, you're going to have to concede a whole lot worse than that in your life!!!' Yeah, that was about all I could think of to say so I stopped with a cuddle and something along the lines of  'it's really hard to share sometimes'.
But it is!!! This kid is about to have a sibling arrive, sometimes sharing will be a complete joy to her but fairly often it will be tedious and annoying.
I think of how much I relate to those beautiful little mutinous pursed lips. Lately I've had to let my husband take over in the kitchen far more often than i like. Not that I'm any great cook but I have ways I like things done, places I like things to go, I'm left handed... and although I'm grateful I get to rest half of me is conserving my energy until I can get up and put everything back the way I want it. With fairly bad grace usually I might add. It's not MY kitchen or MY space or MY stuff and yet... sometimes it's so hard to share.
We'll both get there in the end but for now, that little play enclosure to those small girls, strictly a one player game. The other can come and play with me somewhere else while she waits.

Learning adventures

Synchronised playing.

My wee girls are almost 8 months, time is racing by! I find myself doing a lot of caretaking (feeding, nose wiping, nappy changing) but just realised how much they are learning even when I am not interacting with them (perhaps particularly then!) Time to capture some moments and of course to remember that everything I do is contributing to helping them unfold into little learners!!!

Today they had their first big play outside! The sun has lost some of it's ferocity so decided to set them up on the deck after lunch. They had a very interesting quilt to lie on, some familiar toys and lots of unfamiliar things to look at and explore.
Thing 2 discovered that if she lay on her back and beat her legs on the deck it made a neat sound
Thing 1 found an ice cream container and explored the possibilities that involved! She tried to chew it, she turned it round and round in her hands, she scratched it with her fingers and explored the texture and the sound.
They both spent lots of time looking at the sky.
Their attention was held for a long time by the colours and patterns and textures in the quilt (which also had large buttons sewn on it - extra interesting!).
Thing 2 crawled off the quilt and onto the deck and felt the texture of the ridges of wood with her fingers.

And because I am a playcentre nerd:

Links to Te Whaariki
Strand 5 -exploration
Goal 1 : Children experience an environment where their play is valued as meaningful learning and the importance of spontaneous play is recognised.
I was nearby as I hung out my washing and took pictures but I took care not to intrude and not to divert their attention. 

Goal 2: Children experience an environment where they gain confidence in and control of their bodies.
They had a safe spot where they could practise moving and interesting things they could reach for and be encouraged to move towards.

Goal 3: Children experience an environment where they learn strategies for active exploration  thinking and reasoning.
They had plenty of new visual and sensory experiences and uninterrupted time to explore them.

Goal 4: Children experience an environment where they develop working theories for making sense of the natural, social, physical and material worlds.
They were able to experience light and shade, the contrast of warmth and cool. They were able to view some familiar things and try familiar experiences in unfamiliar territory. Sometimes with very different results!

To each, their own.

Or, why I am the crazy lady who refuses to attempt to get her twins into the same 'schedule'

Scheduling babies. My current irk.
I am not a schedules person. I love organising grand routines for how I am going to get my housework done, how I am going to tackle a large job by breaking it up into smaller bits and deciding exactly when I am going to tackle each part... my house is littered with evidence of such organisation! Execution... not my strong point. I can manage to do the same thing each day for approximately 3 days before i get bored and feel the need to rearrange all my furniture. Who am I kidding, probably 1 day's my real limit!!!

When I had my first child every mum I knew loved Babywise. You may be familiar, 3 hourly, eat, play, sleep cycles, baby sleeping all night at 6 weeks... I was well aware that my time for knowing everything about babies ended approximately 5 minutes before giving birth so I soaked up all the advice like a sponge and followed the advised baby schedules to the best of my ability.

Then I had my second child. I realised that what I thought was me following a schedule with my first was just her being an easy to read baby who was happy to go along with me. This one was a totally different beast. I couldn't just put him to bed most of the time, I needed to lie down with him on my chest to help him relax enough for sleep. I couldn't feed him more or less 3 hourly. Often it was more or less hourly. If he was tired he didn't want to be put in his bed so he could snuggle his blanket, blink his beautiful eyes at me, give me a slight smile and drift off to sleep. And when he grew into a toddler I remember looking at him and having a scary sort of lightbulb moment. I realised I did not know this child at all. I had never met him before. I didn't know how to make sure he listened to me, I didn't know how to give him instructions in a language he would respond to. I didn't know what made him happy or sad because he was a completely new person unfolding before my eyes. It was scary because I realised how much I had to learn and exciting because I couldn't wait to find out.

Then I had twins.

they still do love sleeping together...

For the first 6 weeks or so I changed, fed put them back to bed together. It was so easy! Well, relatively. Because I was tending to all their needs at the same time it took only a fraction longer than if I was looking after only one baby. Then one day No2 kept herself awake most of the day, fighting against those heavy eyelids and crying everytime she fell asleep dammit! Just her, not her sister. It was around then I realised I didn't have one lot of two babies, I had two lots of one baby. So I backed off watching the clock, backed off waking up the sleeping baby in order to make things easier. I made for myself a bit of a baby feeding marathon as I would feed one, then both, then the other... then all over again, sometimes all day. They would take turns having times where I had no idea of their 'sleep cues' so couldn't anticipate the tired crying so threw some stressed out baby rocking into the mix. And hours of feeding, crying, feeding, crying from their overtired state. From them and me. There have been plenty of times when I have left babies crying alone in their beds as I have been dealing with one baby and the other one has had to wait. Heartbreaking. Or after an all night baby marathon I'd be dying for a nap but they would never both be asleep at the same time. Then things started to get easier, I got a bit more sleep (and got better at sleeping sitting up...) and some strange things have happened.
1) with very little conscious effort from me the babies have synced up again, not around my will but more around the ebb and flow of our household combined with their rhythms
2) we have some guaranteed nap times
3) they are happy, chilled out babies. They can cope with being alone, they are happy to play in their beds before sleeping and one of them on waking (the other usually wakes sounding as if cannibals are nibbling her toes)

stressed out by looking after 2 babies at once

4) I see how quickly things are changing for them. I can respond to No2's extra sleepy day by not stressing out that the extra long nap she's taking will mess up her night sleeping and throw her routine out. I can respond to No1's need for extra feeds by.. well.. feeding her extra! And I know that although today might be really hard, tomorrow is bound not to be (and vice versa for the pessimist in me!!!) and I am taking my little girls as they come at their own speed. And they're only 4 months. Lots more changes to come!

So that's why.

Hi there. As it has been nearly a year since I last posted anything, I strongly suspect I am merely talking t myself now. Which is fine by me!
Since I started this blog with the usual good intentions of keeping my brain active through writing regularly on topics of fascination to me, I have conceived, carried, given birth to and nurtured currently 3 month old twin girls. Yes - super gorgeous identical twin girls!!! Hence the goal of keeping my brain active became a futile one a long time ago.
Instead I will attempt to hijack my own blog for rants. Just don't expect careful research and please bear in mind I probably haven't slept much lately!!!
Look forward to getting used to hearing my own voice again!!

Cast of Characters

Well, it's been a while since I have written anything but I have a whole new phase going on around here I'm looking forward to sharing!

My now Mr 4 is transforming. With a vengeance. He is fully engaged in being different characters and we have quite a cast, I never know who will be coming to visit. He will disappear for a time, often outside where I hear bike wheels on the driveway followed by a knock on the door.

So far we have:
Santa - you may be familiar with him, he says ho ho ho a lot and gives everyone presents. He has hundreds of children apparently that my son loves to play with so we always have nice long visits. After he goes I always find all sorts of fun things stashed in fun bags and parcels and boxes waiting for me to find them.

Williams measure - he comes with his ruler and his tool kit. Everyone knows that to fix and build stuff you have to have an accurate set of measurements. He has a nice deep voice and is great at spotting all the broken stuff around the place.

Pirate Will - he says 'arrgh' and always offers to help. He's a very helpful and good pirate, he often shows up when I am doing dishes or folding washing. He doesn't have a parrot, apparently he doesn't like them, just normal birds. I can tell it's him by his hat and his pirate accent.

Dr Vehicle - the first time he showed up was when my daughter had hurt herself. He tried very hard to heal her with music he played on the keyboard, as the latest research dictates. He doesn't smile or laugh much but he likes to discuss things he knows and things he's finding out about.

Eugene - I have a bit of a soft spot for Eugene. He walks with a swagger and he's just cool. He always gives me fabulous compliments, I think he does okay with the ladies. When he arrives he always swaggers in with a super cool lift of the chin and says 'hi, how're you doing'

It delights me that his personas are just accepted by the whole family and no one blinks an eye when he's suddenly someone else.

I also love when the 'real' Mr4 returns, that the reunion is just as good as when he has actually been somewhere else for a whole day, we have so much to catch up on!

I find it hilarious and fascinating that we all get so much into the swing of things that I do actually feel like I have someone else visiting. His observation and attention to detail is quite remarkable.

I wonder though, I am doing some transforming myself, I am incubating twins so the change is becoming quite dramatic! His phase started soon after mine did - I can't help but wonder if the two are linked! His Mum, and our entire family are in the process of becoming something quite different, I could be waxing far too philosophical but I just wonder if it's a way for him to explore these ideas of things and people changing.

The Power of Praise

I read an article recently in this magazine which really challenged my thinking. If I misquote any please forgive me, I was waiting for someone while I read it, don't have a copy so I can't refer to it.... but I have been thinking about it so much since.

Basically it was about what our praise does to our kids. We praise our kids for everything, which is cool, we do it because we think they're great, and because we want them to keep doing all the good stuff they do. Like classical conditioning, we're trying to reward their good behaviour so they have pleasant associations with it and want to keep doing it. But what if kids aren't like little animals? What if they're critically thinking individuals with their own minds, ideas and wills?
I can't quote the sources but according to some studies quoted in the article, when kids were praised for sharing with other kids they actually shared less. It appears all the 'good sharing honey' stuff made the act of sharing into a way to get praise from a parent. Counter-intuitive huh?

The alternative: non-judgemental observations. Facts.

To say 'wow, good painting' makes painting something that's good or bad. To say 'look at your big brush strokes' or 'gee you've used lots of colours!!' allows painting to be something experimental, something that can be enjoyed for the brush strokes and the colours. Children are given the opportunity to decide for themselves if it's 'good' Or what about just 'you look like you're having fun!'

Let sharing be about making other people feel good. Instead of 'good job' try 'look at how much she's enjoying that toy' 'look at his big smile, see how happy he is that you gave him a turn on the digger'

I want my children to feel good about their creative selves, to feel confident in the value of their own explorations. I don't want them to grow up needing to seek other people's good opinions of themselves or their work to feel satisfied or worthy.

My 3 year old is quilting!

Yesterday we were in a fabric shop. We were the only customers. Mr 3 ran from display to display declaring 'this is what I want, it's so yellow' 'this is what I want, it feels so smooth' 'look at this Mum, this is amazing, it has sparkles' ooh I love this golden one, this is what I want' But it was when he proclaimed 'I wish I didn't have my own house, I wish I had a fabric shop to live in' that the shop owner was thoroughly won over. He presented Mr 3 with a fat quater of quilting fabric he could keep. At first glance he saw it was brown and was not exactly thrilled. But then he saw the diggers and concrete mixers printed on it and fell in love. He spent the rest of the day stroking it, folding and unfolding it, showing it to people, musing over what he could make it into... any fabric addicts out there, does any of this sound familiar!!! He was torn between a blanket to snuggle under or a blanket to have a picnic on. I suggested we see what Grandma had in her fabric stash that we could use with it (I always like to be generous with Grandma's stash!!!) and that we could make the blanket first before he decided. "Yes, good idea' he agreed 'it needs some orange. And some blue. And green' and when we were in the cave of delights that is my mothers sewing room 'Sparkles. And could we put some beads on it'
I dutifully made it up into a very simple (quick!) quilt top and was pondering hard over how to quilt it so the pattern of his precious fabric wouldn't be obscured. I ran idea past him. 'Ummm... no. I want small squares around each digger and rectangles on the orange part and triangles on the blue.' While I sewed he sat beside me working the foot pedal. Or sat on my knee guiding the fabric with his hands. And he chose thread colours, nearly forgot that, by lining up all the available colours on the strip to be quilted and choosing which looked the best. I didn't think it would be him being mini me!!

Anyone who knows me knows 2 things: I like to buck the trends on formal early childhood education and I like to follow my children's interests and see what magical places they can take me. Us. Well, them really but I get so much out of it too. This scenario is a cool story but more than that it screams opportunity to me. And one I am loath to miss. And not just because I will jump on any reason (excuse?) to start and finish a quilting project!

So...what has he learned? He has been able to develop his interest in colour, in texture, he has been able to use and extend his vocabulary of adjectives, he has been able to emulate what he sees me and Grandma do with fabric, he has been able to plan a project, he has been able to use his knowledge of geometry in an awesomely meaningful context.

My response to his learning? I don't know where this is going. I'm trying to be prepared for the next step whatever it might be. I wonder is this about the fabric? the colour? making something? doing something together he knows I love? So far I have given him as much control of the project as I was able to relinquish and still come out with a finished product! I have let him choose the colours of fabric. I didn't give him total free reign here, I picked the actual fabrics and submitted them for his approval, if you saw The Stash you'd know why - we'd still be choosing at Christmas!!! He chose the thread. His picks were interesting and not what I would've chosen sometimes but then what do I know, they look awesome! I'll be asking him for his input in my projects in the future.

Kaffe Fassett knitting.

I am on the lookout for more ideas for exploring colour and texture, and I want to introduce him to Hundertwasser and Kaffe Fassett. I want to point out the richness of colour and texture in The Very Hungry Caterpillar next time we read it.
And the next time I hear the words 'I want to make...' my ears will prick up.

Hundertwasser

He's getting more than just a quilt out of this. He could be getting a love of making things, a love of fabric, it could be sparking an interest in design or maybe just an assurance that while I may have to say no to lots of his ideas (like ones that involve screwdrivers and small appliances or soccer balls and televisions) I am willing to listen to him, give his thoughts some credence, and support his creativity and help him see his ideas come to fruition.

The joys of noise

Look what this cool lady did at her house! I am so inspired! I don't know if Mr Tall would appreciate me changing the landscape here on a permanent basis but perhaps something I can dismantle after a play session? We are spending much of every day singing and dancing. The choice of music is currently ABBA for dancing intersprsed with Mr3's versions of church songs with hearty clapping and conducting. Oh and big sisters ballet music, he remembers lots of her exercises!
Music has been such an important part of his journey from babyhood. As a little one he tried every surface for it's noise making properties (either banging or rubbing his fingernails along) and would sit in front of the cd player for inordinate periods of time. We have had a light opera phase a jazz phase, a 70's rock phase, even a kids music phase!!!
It has been the subject of lots of research, the role of music in the development of language, motor skills and social behaviour. When you consider that even our temperament is influenced by the tempo of our pulse it seems like rhythm is an integral part of us. Music can express emotions, help us remember things, relax us, (stress us out!), make work easier, and be a pivotal part of social occasions.
Here are some ideas for extending musical play with children:

• Sing! lots, about everything! Use known tunes and change the lyrics. Use your childs name. Make them super silly

• Use singing instead of talking. We've gone for nearly a whole day in opera mode!

• Invest in ear plugs and hand out the wooden spoons. Encourage children to find which pieces of furniture make the best noise. Obviously discourage the use of windows as drums...

• Even pretty small kids pick up the concept of copying rythms either clapping or drumming.

• Musical statues! 

• Please please don't limit listening time to 'kid music' There's a whole world of musical styles out there, quite literally. My favourite radio station to listen to with the kids is this compilation of world music but there's heaps more.

• Use music to reflect a mood. Or create a mood. We have creative time music - Baroque or classical, my favourites are Bach and Mozart, sleepy time music someone gave us this album and it's a real favourite. Small children fall asleep, older children head for cuddly blankets and books to read. Active music is not hard to find, anything with a fast tempo. Can be a good boundary for crazy jumping and running on a wet day.

And here's a whole lot more!

His concession to my schema

If you read this you know I have a disconnector. I however am a Mum. I have a Mum schema.  I prefer my remote with the batteries in. I think toy cars should have wheels. I like my furniture intact. I like things to be tidy enough I can invite friends over and not have those sympathy grimaces. About kid stuff. (I can handle sympathy grimaces over the state of my bath or the spiders living in the ceiling corners)

Disconnectaur.

Sometimes our schemas are at odds.

Mr Clever has discovered the following: if he puts his toy cars inside the hollow legs of his plastic chairs and table in such a way they wont fall back out, I will actually assist him to dismantle the furniture.
Everybody wins.

Questions, questions, questions...

I field a million a day. About everything. Apparently I was a 'but why' child too and this second child (not my first, she preferred and still does to tell me stuff!!) has been sent to me to make my mother happy!

W 'Mum why can't I hit the window with a stick' 

M 'because you might break it' 

W 'but why' 

M 'because it's made of glass' 

W ' but why is it made of glass' 

M' so we can see through it' 

W 'but why can we see through it' 

M 'so I can still know what you're doing when I've put you out there so I can enjoy my coffee in peace' (I always like to stick to scientific facts...)

I have two theories for the questions. All those questions.
One is that my child is smart and curious. And if the smart and curious is proportional to the amount of stuff he has to know he's probably far smarter than me. He could probably beat Stephen Hawking at chess. And physics.
The other theory is that he really likes to interact with me. Probably not just me but I get to be the lucky one seeing as we're nearly always together.
(I had a theory for a little while that he thinks I'm really smart but that was less about his learning than my need for esteem so I dropped it)

So here's my tactic: .... if my first theory is correct, he's smart enough to answer his own questions, if my second theory is correct he needs me to interact with him, not necessarily answer his questions. So the following dialogue ensues:  
W 'why can't I hit the window with a stick'
M 'I think you are clever enough to figure that out. I'm going to let you think for a bit then I'm going to ask you and see what ideas you have....(long pause (actual long pause, I don't say long pause)...) W, why can't you hit the window with a stick?'
W ' because if it gets broken we have to have that brown tape on the window again'
M 'I knew you'ld come up with an awesome idea!!'
THE END
Seriously, sometimes he likes to ask me for a different idea but it's totally changed the nature and purpose of that interaction. And his ideas are way more fun to listen to than mine.