Obedience

I don't like it and it's not a goal for my kids.

Don't get me wrong, when I yell 'don't run on the road' I expect them to stop and do what I've told them. Even in less life and death situations I also expect them to do what I ask, to tidy their rooms, to take their dirty plates to the kitchen bench, to get dressed before school. But not simply because they are obedient.
I want them to do those things because I asked them to and they respect me enough to listen to my requests, because they trust I have their best interests at heart, because they are part of our family and we work together to make sure all the jobs get done, because they aren't arrogantly and self-centredly assuming that the world owes them and they shouldn't have to do their bit to make things happen.  And because going to school in your pyjamas is a bit silly.

So I don't teach my kids obedience, I teach them respect. I teach them helpfulness, kindness, teamwork. I teach them delay of gratification, to do the work before they have the fun and rewards. Above all I work hard to give them the time and reassurance they need to know I love them.

I also teach them that if I have asked them something at an inconvenient time, or something unreasonable, that they are welcome to lovingly and respectfully let me know. Sometimes i will agree, sometimes I won't but I will listen with respect their point of view as I expect them to listen to mine.

This means my kids may appear less obedient than others sometimes. I don't put them on the naughty step or in time out. I am not punishing my kids when they disobey me or rewarding them when they do what I say. I am taking a slower more circuitous route which means they are learning some pretty big concepts which feed into all the relationships they do, or will ever, have.

Some useful things to say:
'can you say that again in a loving and respectful tone of voice',
'when you said/ did that, how do you think they felt?'
'go and calm yourself down then you can come back and make it right'
'lets get this job done and then we can play a game/ enjoy our dessert/...'
'here are the jobs that need to be done, which one would you like to do?'