My two smallest have reached 2 years 5 months. They have just had a big developmental leap surrounding the perceptions of time.
For small people their understanding of time is often limited to right now. We ask them to wait and they meltdown because to them, anything beyond now is sort of equivalent to never. You may try and prompt them to tell about something exciting that happened yesterday or last week and they look at you blankly.
I was buckling one of them into her carseat the other day and she told me a story of something that had happened to her last time she was being put in her carseat. We got home from playcentre and Aunty was regaled with a story of the friend they had been playing with that morning. And suddenly, just like that they have a past! They have the ability and the tools to see a specific event and describe it without it having to be seen and experienced in the present.
Simultaneously I am noticing that the future is more tangible too. Whereas before asking them to wait for a glass of milk while I finished what I was doing must have felt like a flat refusal suddenly they are able to understand that even if it doesn't happen this instant, it will still happen. After many months of them wanting everything all at once and right now, they can understand 'finish this first, then you can have that'. That's one less tantrum in my day!
I'd love to know exactly what's happening inside that makes this new way of thinking possible.
Friday, December 12, 2014
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Learning to Listen
It's been a year of enormous changes for me. Without going into too much detail I am now living with my sister and her two kids (instant 6 kid household!) and I have just started feeling like myself again after an extremely turbulent year.
I would like to say I have dealt with every challenge with serenity and patience but that wouldn't be strictly true. More accurately I have been given the opportunity to develop my empathy with the children in my household and to feel their bewilderment at the big emotions that overwhelm them all at times. From tantrumming two year olds to pouting ten year olds, where I might once have reacted with frustration and been tempted to punish their behaviour instead I am learning to listen. To offer my support, to wait with them until the storm subsides and life seems reasonable again.
It's not easy. Sometimes all I want is for them all to leave me alone, just for an hour where noone wants to touch me. Sometimes I just want to shout out all my frustrations or have someone listen to ME!! But the more I hold them close, the more I listen, the more I say things like 'how can I help you calm down?'or 'you sound like you need a hug!' I find I feel peaceful, connected and they're listening. When I say 'can you trust me to help you come up with a solution? lets work together to figure this out? do you need my help or have you got this one?' they listen.
Not that everything goes smoothly all the time but when things get rocky because of the big stuff or even just because someone didn't get the right fruit in their lunchbox, we're learning how to just be there for each other.
I would like to say I have dealt with every challenge with serenity and patience but that wouldn't be strictly true. More accurately I have been given the opportunity to develop my empathy with the children in my household and to feel their bewilderment at the big emotions that overwhelm them all at times. From tantrumming two year olds to pouting ten year olds, where I might once have reacted with frustration and been tempted to punish their behaviour instead I am learning to listen. To offer my support, to wait with them until the storm subsides and life seems reasonable again.
It's not easy. Sometimes all I want is for them all to leave me alone, just for an hour where noone wants to touch me. Sometimes I just want to shout out all my frustrations or have someone listen to ME!! But the more I hold them close, the more I listen, the more I say things like 'how can I help you calm down?'or 'you sound like you need a hug!' I find I feel peaceful, connected and they're listening. When I say 'can you trust me to help you come up with a solution? lets work together to figure this out? do you need my help or have you got this one?' they listen.
Not that everything goes smoothly all the time but when things get rocky because of the big stuff or even just because someone didn't get the right fruit in their lunchbox, we're learning how to just be there for each other.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Christmas advent-ures
Just over a year ago my lovely sister and her two daughters came to stay and sort of never left... actually as two single mums we found that the support we were able to offer each other was AWESOME and it was so fun to be finally in the same house since childhood!!
For the kids the transition wasn't quite so easy. At first it was fun, but then the gritty reality of living with so many others kicked in. We had two 6 year olds who just didn't really gel. Two 8 year olds who needed as much time on their own as they enjoyed together... and found the 6 year olds a little annoying... and two 1 year olds who were just... well 1 year olds. Actually they were fine. But they got fought over a bit.
Come December we decided to make our own experience based advent calendar...actually the decision was something like 'those kids are going to bond if it kills us both and if it comes to that at least we'll know they'll take turns with the spade!!!' So we planned 24 activities and hoped for the best! Every day they kids would find a note they took turns reading to the others and they would speculate all day over what was coming. Then at the appointed time a basket on the table would mysteriously fill with whatever they needed for the activity to take place. We were all reminiscing the other day and trying to remember them all... and we couldn't so I shall share some of the most memorable. Some were elaborate, some very simple...
The whispers, the giggles, the 'remember when's... although the pace was frantic and required us to be far more organised than I have ever been in my life for 24 consecutive days the payoff was huge. The shared experiences have led to a treasure trove of shared memories and they became a unit, a household, the sensational six. After Christmas my nieces were away for a few days, when they got back the reunion was so lovely, they were so happy just being together.
Now when they are all just milling round together, or the now 7 year olds are intently involved in some fabulously imaginative game together, or the 9 year olds are choosing to have their alone time in the same room, it's hard to remember there was ever a time when they just sort of didn't gel.
For the kids the transition wasn't quite so easy. At first it was fun, but then the gritty reality of living with so many others kicked in. We had two 6 year olds who just didn't really gel. Two 8 year olds who needed as much time on their own as they enjoyed together... and found the 6 year olds a little annoying... and two 1 year olds who were just... well 1 year olds. Actually they were fine. But they got fought over a bit.
Come December we decided to make our own experience based advent calendar...actually the decision was something like 'those kids are going to bond if it kills us both and if it comes to that at least we'll know they'll take turns with the spade!!!' So we planned 24 activities and hoped for the best! Every day they kids would find a note they took turns reading to the others and they would speculate all day over what was coming. Then at the appointed time a basket on the table would mysteriously fill with whatever they needed for the activity to take place. We were all reminiscing the other day and trying to remember them all... and we couldn't so I shall share some of the most memorable. Some were elaborate, some very simple...
- colouring a giant christmas tree from Mr Printables
- pavement chalk drawing
- a Christmas dance party (the basket provided snacks and some decorations and we made a playlist for the occasion)
- Christmas cookie decorating
- writing and sending Christmas cards
- making paper snowflakes
- Christmas movie and popcorn
- scavenger hunt at a local beach (we made a driftwood star for the top of our tree which we still have for this year!!)
- attending a Christmas concert
- a spa night (face masks, manicures, foot massages. My sister and I dressed up and adopted Scandinavian accents for the occasion and engaged the fascinated and amused customers in polite conversation. Hilarious. )
- making Christmas decorations
- making paper houses
- crazy photo night
- games night
- some fake snow messy play using this recipe from Growing a Jeweled Rose.
The whispers, the giggles, the 'remember when's... although the pace was frantic and required us to be far more organised than I have ever been in my life for 24 consecutive days the payoff was huge. The shared experiences have led to a treasure trove of shared memories and they became a unit, a household, the sensational six. After Christmas my nieces were away for a few days, when they got back the reunion was so lovely, they were so happy just being together.
Now when they are all just milling round together, or the now 7 year olds are intently involved in some fabulously imaginative game together, or the 9 year olds are choosing to have their alone time in the same room, it's hard to remember there was ever a time when they just sort of didn't gel.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
You try saying 'why did the chicken cross the road' in an angry voice...
Yet another post I forgot to post. Blame it on the twins! Written Nov 2012. Enjoy!
Life is crazy around here lots of the time. Especially outside school hours. There are babies needing me, and 8 year old with important things to tell me and a 5 year old. A newly started at school five year old. A really tired newly started at school 5 year old.
He has adjusted so well to having to share me with two demanding babies, but that was when he was at home most of the time. I have noticed as the weeks have gone by that we are starting to argue more, he raises his voice, I raise mine, he raises his more... (notice he always starts it! Who else!!!)
It got to the stage the other week where I was so sick of it. Sick mostly of my own bad behaviour and that I was modelling perfectly tired 5 year old grumps. It comes so naturally to me!!
I called a meeting, just Mr 5 and I. What can we do to stop us grumping at each other was the topic up for discussion. I had an idea that we have a word, something safe, unconnected to anything we're talking about and silly, as silly as possible. A word that either one of us could call which would mean 'stop and adjust the way you're talking. Now.' A way I could avoid having to say 'don't use that tone of voice with me young man' a million times a day in exactly the tone of voice I wanted him to stop using. Pretty cool plan I thought. But we went with his.
'Okay Mum, this is what we're going to do. When you hear me start to get angry just hurry up and tell me a joke'
Ooh yes, I'd far rather exercise my puerile sense of humour than my puerile bad behaviour!
Life is crazy around here lots of the time. Especially outside school hours. There are babies needing me, and 8 year old with important things to tell me and a 5 year old. A newly started at school five year old. A really tired newly started at school 5 year old.
He has adjusted so well to having to share me with two demanding babies, but that was when he was at home most of the time. I have noticed as the weeks have gone by that we are starting to argue more, he raises his voice, I raise mine, he raises his more... (notice he always starts it! Who else!!!)
It got to the stage the other week where I was so sick of it. Sick mostly of my own bad behaviour and that I was modelling perfectly tired 5 year old grumps. It comes so naturally to me!!
I called a meeting, just Mr 5 and I. What can we do to stop us grumping at each other was the topic up for discussion. I had an idea that we have a word, something safe, unconnected to anything we're talking about and silly, as silly as possible. A word that either one of us could call which would mean 'stop and adjust the way you're talking. Now.' A way I could avoid having to say 'don't use that tone of voice with me young man' a million times a day in exactly the tone of voice I wanted him to stop using. Pretty cool plan I thought. But we went with his.
'Okay Mum, this is what we're going to do. When you hear me start to get angry just hurry up and tell me a joke'
Ooh yes, I'd far rather exercise my puerile sense of humour than my puerile bad behaviour!
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Obedience
I don't like it and it's not a goal for my kids.
Don't get me wrong, when I yell 'don't run on the road' I expect them to stop and do what I've told them. Even in less life and death situations I also expect them to do what I ask, to tidy their rooms, to take their dirty plates to the kitchen bench, to get dressed before school. But not simply because they are obedient.
I want them to do those things because I asked them to and they respect me enough to listen to my requests, because they trust I have their best interests at heart, because they are part of our family and we work together to make sure all the jobs get done, because they aren't arrogantly and self-centredly assuming that the world owes them and they shouldn't have to do their bit to make things happen. And because going to school in your pyjamas is a bit silly.
So I don't teach my kids obedience, I teach them respect. I teach them helpfulness, kindness, teamwork. I teach them delay of gratification, to do the work before they have the fun and rewards. Above all I work hard to give them the time and reassurance they need to know I love them.
I also teach them that if I have asked them something at an inconvenient time, or something unreasonable, that they are welcome to lovingly and respectfully let me know. Sometimes i will agree, sometimes I won't but I will listen with respect their point of view as I expect them to listen to mine.
This means my kids may appear less obedient than others sometimes. I don't put them on the naughty step or in time out. I am not punishing my kids when they disobey me or rewarding them when they do what I say. I am taking a slower more circuitous route which means they are learning some pretty big concepts which feed into all the relationships they do, or will ever, have.
Some useful things to say:
'can you say that again in a loving and respectful tone of voice',
'when you said/ did that, how do you think they felt?'
'go and calm yourself down then you can come back and make it right'
'lets get this job done and then we can play a game/ enjoy our dessert/...'
'here are the jobs that need to be done, which one would you like to do?'
Don't get me wrong, when I yell 'don't run on the road' I expect them to stop and do what I've told them. Even in less life and death situations I also expect them to do what I ask, to tidy their rooms, to take their dirty plates to the kitchen bench, to get dressed before school. But not simply because they are obedient.
I want them to do those things because I asked them to and they respect me enough to listen to my requests, because they trust I have their best interests at heart, because they are part of our family and we work together to make sure all the jobs get done, because they aren't arrogantly and self-centredly assuming that the world owes them and they shouldn't have to do their bit to make things happen. And because going to school in your pyjamas is a bit silly.
So I don't teach my kids obedience, I teach them respect. I teach them helpfulness, kindness, teamwork. I teach them delay of gratification, to do the work before they have the fun and rewards. Above all I work hard to give them the time and reassurance they need to know I love them.
I also teach them that if I have asked them something at an inconvenient time, or something unreasonable, that they are welcome to lovingly and respectfully let me know. Sometimes i will agree, sometimes I won't but I will listen with respect their point of view as I expect them to listen to mine.
This means my kids may appear less obedient than others sometimes. I don't put them on the naughty step or in time out. I am not punishing my kids when they disobey me or rewarding them when they do what I say. I am taking a slower more circuitous route which means they are learning some pretty big concepts which feed into all the relationships they do, or will ever, have.
Some useful things to say:
'can you say that again in a loving and respectful tone of voice',
'when you said/ did that, how do you think they felt?'
'go and calm yourself down then you can come back and make it right'
'lets get this job done and then we can play a game/ enjoy our dessert/...'
'here are the jobs that need to be done, which one would you like to do?'
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Negotiation
Not sure why I never hit publish on this 2 years ago but hey, today's as good a day as any!!!
Date unkown.
Mr3: 'Raaah look out everybody, the lava will burn you up, quick run and hide the lava is coming!'
Miss 6 (in full princess regalia, walking sedately carrying a bouquet of parsley) 'W do you want to play with me?'
'sure, I'm a dinosaur and the volcano just exploded, we have to hide!'
'but I'm a princess and I'm getting married today'
'oh.. okay, then I can rescue you, climb up on this bridge'
'no, it's not a bridge it's a boat!
'oh. no, the boat's starting to burn!'
'it's on fire, we'll have to jump out!'
'quick, here's the fire extinguisher'
Today a princess having a wedding and a fireman dinosaur rescuing people from a lava spewing volcano found common ground. Amazing. Adults couldn't do it. I am thinking the power to compromise was aided by their imagination. Why couldn't a volcano interrupt your wedding?
Imagination is something I prize. I believe if they hang on to that quality they will be much better able as adults to 'walk a mile in someone elses shoes', to concede that perhaps that rude shop assistant is having a bad day, that theirs might be the 30th difficult call that call centre worker has taken today, to imagine that although things may seem bleak right now good things may well be right around the corner, that there is a way to solve this problem if they try hard enough, they will never be bored.
Date unkown.
Mr3: 'Raaah look out everybody, the lava will burn you up, quick run and hide the lava is coming!'
Miss 6 (in full princess regalia, walking sedately carrying a bouquet of parsley) 'W do you want to play with me?'
'sure, I'm a dinosaur and the volcano just exploded, we have to hide!'
'but I'm a princess and I'm getting married today'
'oh.. okay, then I can rescue you, climb up on this bridge'
'no, it's not a bridge it's a boat!
'oh. no, the boat's starting to burn!'
'it's on fire, we'll have to jump out!'
'quick, here's the fire extinguisher'
Today a princess having a wedding and a fireman dinosaur rescuing people from a lava spewing volcano found common ground. Amazing. Adults couldn't do it. I am thinking the power to compromise was aided by their imagination. Why couldn't a volcano interrupt your wedding?
Imagination is something I prize. I believe if they hang on to that quality they will be much better able as adults to 'walk a mile in someone elses shoes', to concede that perhaps that rude shop assistant is having a bad day, that theirs might be the 30th difficult call that call centre worker has taken today, to imagine that although things may seem bleak right now good things may well be right around the corner, that there is a way to solve this problem if they try hard enough, they will never be bored.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
forcing the issue
I like to think as I grow older I'm getting better at thinking like a small person.
Miss 18 months was playing in a little play enclosure, it comes with just a few toys and it's a popular piece of equipment. I have seen kids of all ages use it in vastly different ways. Miss 2 came along and wanted in. It is definitely big enough for 2 willing children (and I do stress willing) but as I was supervising both girls I figured we could play a nice game with one out and one in. This we did for quite some time. Then Miss 2 wanted in. Miss 18 months registered her protest by screeching and looking very unhappy but she stayed her ground. Things held steady for a few minutes then in the space of a blink miss 2 had a handful of hair and was reaching for the other girls face. Luckily her mum was close by and she was swept up and off to something safer pretty quickly and I was left to deal with the now furious 2 year old.
From an adult perspective I see this: a child with no right or claim to a play space, not even the right of 'I was there first' is unjustifiably furious with another child for no reason other than a pig-headed refusal to let her have anything that looks good. So easy to go in with guns blazing and growl, force apology or enforce punishment. And probably quite justifiable too. But in this case I put my arms round her and listened 'she was in my way, I wanted her to go away' 'that must've made you feel really cross' 'yes, really cross'
What logic can I apply here? 'she wasn't in your way, she was doing her own thing?' well, she kind of was in my way, I was doing a thing too... 'suck it kiddo, you're going to have to concede a whole lot worse than that in your life!!!' Yeah, that was about all I could think of to say so I stopped with a cuddle and something along the lines of 'it's really hard to share sometimes'.
But it is!!! This kid is about to have a sibling arrive, sometimes sharing will be a complete joy to her but fairly often it will be tedious and annoying.
I think of how much I relate to those beautiful little mutinous pursed lips. Lately I've had to let my husband take over in the kitchen far more often than i like. Not that I'm any great cook but I have ways I like things done, places I like things to go, I'm left handed... and although I'm grateful I get to rest half of me is conserving my energy until I can get up and put everything back the way I want it. With fairly bad grace usually I might add. It's not MY kitchen or MY space or MY stuff and yet... sometimes it's so hard to share.
We'll both get there in the end but for now, that little play enclosure to those small girls, strictly a one player game. The other can come and play with me somewhere else while she waits.
Miss 18 months was playing in a little play enclosure, it comes with just a few toys and it's a popular piece of equipment. I have seen kids of all ages use it in vastly different ways. Miss 2 came along and wanted in. It is definitely big enough for 2 willing children (and I do stress willing) but as I was supervising both girls I figured we could play a nice game with one out and one in. This we did for quite some time. Then Miss 2 wanted in. Miss 18 months registered her protest by screeching and looking very unhappy but she stayed her ground. Things held steady for a few minutes then in the space of a blink miss 2 had a handful of hair and was reaching for the other girls face. Luckily her mum was close by and she was swept up and off to something safer pretty quickly and I was left to deal with the now furious 2 year old.
From an adult perspective I see this: a child with no right or claim to a play space, not even the right of 'I was there first' is unjustifiably furious with another child for no reason other than a pig-headed refusal to let her have anything that looks good. So easy to go in with guns blazing and growl, force apology or enforce punishment. And probably quite justifiable too. But in this case I put my arms round her and listened 'she was in my way, I wanted her to go away' 'that must've made you feel really cross' 'yes, really cross'
What logic can I apply here? 'she wasn't in your way, she was doing her own thing?' well, she kind of was in my way, I was doing a thing too... 'suck it kiddo, you're going to have to concede a whole lot worse than that in your life!!!' Yeah, that was about all I could think of to say so I stopped with a cuddle and something along the lines of 'it's really hard to share sometimes'.
But it is!!! This kid is about to have a sibling arrive, sometimes sharing will be a complete joy to her but fairly often it will be tedious and annoying.
I think of how much I relate to those beautiful little mutinous pursed lips. Lately I've had to let my husband take over in the kitchen far more often than i like. Not that I'm any great cook but I have ways I like things done, places I like things to go, I'm left handed... and although I'm grateful I get to rest half of me is conserving my energy until I can get up and put everything back the way I want it. With fairly bad grace usually I might add. It's not MY kitchen or MY space or MY stuff and yet... sometimes it's so hard to share.
We'll both get there in the end but for now, that little play enclosure to those small girls, strictly a one player game. The other can come and play with me somewhere else while she waits.
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