Yet another post I forgot to post. Blame it on the twins! Written Nov 2012. Enjoy!
Life is crazy around here lots of the time. Especially outside school hours. There are babies needing me, and 8 year old with important things to tell me and a 5 year old. A newly started at school five year old. A really tired newly started at school 5 year old.
He has adjusted so well to having to share me with two demanding babies, but that was when he was at home most of the time. I have noticed as the weeks have gone by that we are starting to argue more, he raises his voice, I raise mine, he raises his more... (notice he always starts it! Who else!!!)
It got to the stage the other week where I was so sick of it. Sick mostly of my own bad behaviour and that I was modelling perfectly tired 5 year old grumps. It comes so naturally to me!!
I called a meeting, just Mr 5 and I. What can we do to stop us grumping at each other was the topic up for discussion. I had an idea that we have a word, something safe, unconnected to anything we're talking about and silly, as silly as possible. A word that either one of us could call which would mean 'stop and adjust the way you're talking. Now.' A way I could avoid having to say 'don't use that tone of voice with me young man' a million times a day in exactly the tone of voice I wanted him to stop using. Pretty cool plan I thought. But we went with his.
'Okay Mum, this is what we're going to do. When you hear me start to get angry just hurry up and tell me a joke'
Ooh yes, I'd far rather exercise my puerile sense of humour than my puerile bad behaviour!
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Obedience
I don't like it and it's not a goal for my kids.
Don't get me wrong, when I yell 'don't run on the road' I expect them to stop and do what I've told them. Even in less life and death situations I also expect them to do what I ask, to tidy their rooms, to take their dirty plates to the kitchen bench, to get dressed before school. But not simply because they are obedient.
I want them to do those things because I asked them to and they respect me enough to listen to my requests, because they trust I have their best interests at heart, because they are part of our family and we work together to make sure all the jobs get done, because they aren't arrogantly and self-centredly assuming that the world owes them and they shouldn't have to do their bit to make things happen. And because going to school in your pyjamas is a bit silly.
So I don't teach my kids obedience, I teach them respect. I teach them helpfulness, kindness, teamwork. I teach them delay of gratification, to do the work before they have the fun and rewards. Above all I work hard to give them the time and reassurance they need to know I love them.
I also teach them that if I have asked them something at an inconvenient time, or something unreasonable, that they are welcome to lovingly and respectfully let me know. Sometimes i will agree, sometimes I won't but I will listen with respect their point of view as I expect them to listen to mine.
This means my kids may appear less obedient than others sometimes. I don't put them on the naughty step or in time out. I am not punishing my kids when they disobey me or rewarding them when they do what I say. I am taking a slower more circuitous route which means they are learning some pretty big concepts which feed into all the relationships they do, or will ever, have.
Some useful things to say:
'can you say that again in a loving and respectful tone of voice',
'when you said/ did that, how do you think they felt?'
'go and calm yourself down then you can come back and make it right'
'lets get this job done and then we can play a game/ enjoy our dessert/...'
'here are the jobs that need to be done, which one would you like to do?'
Don't get me wrong, when I yell 'don't run on the road' I expect them to stop and do what I've told them. Even in less life and death situations I also expect them to do what I ask, to tidy their rooms, to take their dirty plates to the kitchen bench, to get dressed before school. But not simply because they are obedient.
I want them to do those things because I asked them to and they respect me enough to listen to my requests, because they trust I have their best interests at heart, because they are part of our family and we work together to make sure all the jobs get done, because they aren't arrogantly and self-centredly assuming that the world owes them and they shouldn't have to do their bit to make things happen. And because going to school in your pyjamas is a bit silly.
So I don't teach my kids obedience, I teach them respect. I teach them helpfulness, kindness, teamwork. I teach them delay of gratification, to do the work before they have the fun and rewards. Above all I work hard to give them the time and reassurance they need to know I love them.
I also teach them that if I have asked them something at an inconvenient time, or something unreasonable, that they are welcome to lovingly and respectfully let me know. Sometimes i will agree, sometimes I won't but I will listen with respect their point of view as I expect them to listen to mine.
This means my kids may appear less obedient than others sometimes. I don't put them on the naughty step or in time out. I am not punishing my kids when they disobey me or rewarding them when they do what I say. I am taking a slower more circuitous route which means they are learning some pretty big concepts which feed into all the relationships they do, or will ever, have.
Some useful things to say:
'can you say that again in a loving and respectful tone of voice',
'when you said/ did that, how do you think they felt?'
'go and calm yourself down then you can come back and make it right'
'lets get this job done and then we can play a game/ enjoy our dessert/...'
'here are the jobs that need to be done, which one would you like to do?'
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Negotiation
Not sure why I never hit publish on this 2 years ago but hey, today's as good a day as any!!!
Date unkown.
Mr3: 'Raaah look out everybody, the lava will burn you up, quick run and hide the lava is coming!'
Miss 6 (in full princess regalia, walking sedately carrying a bouquet of parsley) 'W do you want to play with me?'
'sure, I'm a dinosaur and the volcano just exploded, we have to hide!'
'but I'm a princess and I'm getting married today'
'oh.. okay, then I can rescue you, climb up on this bridge'
'no, it's not a bridge it's a boat!
'oh. no, the boat's starting to burn!'
'it's on fire, we'll have to jump out!'
'quick, here's the fire extinguisher'
Today a princess having a wedding and a fireman dinosaur rescuing people from a lava spewing volcano found common ground. Amazing. Adults couldn't do it. I am thinking the power to compromise was aided by their imagination. Why couldn't a volcano interrupt your wedding?
Imagination is something I prize. I believe if they hang on to that quality they will be much better able as adults to 'walk a mile in someone elses shoes', to concede that perhaps that rude shop assistant is having a bad day, that theirs might be the 30th difficult call that call centre worker has taken today, to imagine that although things may seem bleak right now good things may well be right around the corner, that there is a way to solve this problem if they try hard enough, they will never be bored.
Date unkown.
Mr3: 'Raaah look out everybody, the lava will burn you up, quick run and hide the lava is coming!'
Miss 6 (in full princess regalia, walking sedately carrying a bouquet of parsley) 'W do you want to play with me?'
'sure, I'm a dinosaur and the volcano just exploded, we have to hide!'
'but I'm a princess and I'm getting married today'
'oh.. okay, then I can rescue you, climb up on this bridge'
'no, it's not a bridge it's a boat!
'oh. no, the boat's starting to burn!'
'it's on fire, we'll have to jump out!'
'quick, here's the fire extinguisher'
Today a princess having a wedding and a fireman dinosaur rescuing people from a lava spewing volcano found common ground. Amazing. Adults couldn't do it. I am thinking the power to compromise was aided by their imagination. Why couldn't a volcano interrupt your wedding?
Imagination is something I prize. I believe if they hang on to that quality they will be much better able as adults to 'walk a mile in someone elses shoes', to concede that perhaps that rude shop assistant is having a bad day, that theirs might be the 30th difficult call that call centre worker has taken today, to imagine that although things may seem bleak right now good things may well be right around the corner, that there is a way to solve this problem if they try hard enough, they will never be bored.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
forcing the issue
I like to think as I grow older I'm getting better at thinking like a small person.
Miss 18 months was playing in a little play enclosure, it comes with just a few toys and it's a popular piece of equipment. I have seen kids of all ages use it in vastly different ways. Miss 2 came along and wanted in. It is definitely big enough for 2 willing children (and I do stress willing) but as I was supervising both girls I figured we could play a nice game with one out and one in. This we did for quite some time. Then Miss 2 wanted in. Miss 18 months registered her protest by screeching and looking very unhappy but she stayed her ground. Things held steady for a few minutes then in the space of a blink miss 2 had a handful of hair and was reaching for the other girls face. Luckily her mum was close by and she was swept up and off to something safer pretty quickly and I was left to deal with the now furious 2 year old.
From an adult perspective I see this: a child with no right or claim to a play space, not even the right of 'I was there first' is unjustifiably furious with another child for no reason other than a pig-headed refusal to let her have anything that looks good. So easy to go in with guns blazing and growl, force apology or enforce punishment. And probably quite justifiable too. But in this case I put my arms round her and listened 'she was in my way, I wanted her to go away' 'that must've made you feel really cross' 'yes, really cross'
What logic can I apply here? 'she wasn't in your way, she was doing her own thing?' well, she kind of was in my way, I was doing a thing too... 'suck it kiddo, you're going to have to concede a whole lot worse than that in your life!!!' Yeah, that was about all I could think of to say so I stopped with a cuddle and something along the lines of 'it's really hard to share sometimes'.
But it is!!! This kid is about to have a sibling arrive, sometimes sharing will be a complete joy to her but fairly often it will be tedious and annoying.
I think of how much I relate to those beautiful little mutinous pursed lips. Lately I've had to let my husband take over in the kitchen far more often than i like. Not that I'm any great cook but I have ways I like things done, places I like things to go, I'm left handed... and although I'm grateful I get to rest half of me is conserving my energy until I can get up and put everything back the way I want it. With fairly bad grace usually I might add. It's not MY kitchen or MY space or MY stuff and yet... sometimes it's so hard to share.
We'll both get there in the end but for now, that little play enclosure to those small girls, strictly a one player game. The other can come and play with me somewhere else while she waits.
Miss 18 months was playing in a little play enclosure, it comes with just a few toys and it's a popular piece of equipment. I have seen kids of all ages use it in vastly different ways. Miss 2 came along and wanted in. It is definitely big enough for 2 willing children (and I do stress willing) but as I was supervising both girls I figured we could play a nice game with one out and one in. This we did for quite some time. Then Miss 2 wanted in. Miss 18 months registered her protest by screeching and looking very unhappy but she stayed her ground. Things held steady for a few minutes then in the space of a blink miss 2 had a handful of hair and was reaching for the other girls face. Luckily her mum was close by and she was swept up and off to something safer pretty quickly and I was left to deal with the now furious 2 year old.
From an adult perspective I see this: a child with no right or claim to a play space, not even the right of 'I was there first' is unjustifiably furious with another child for no reason other than a pig-headed refusal to let her have anything that looks good. So easy to go in with guns blazing and growl, force apology or enforce punishment. And probably quite justifiable too. But in this case I put my arms round her and listened 'she was in my way, I wanted her to go away' 'that must've made you feel really cross' 'yes, really cross'
What logic can I apply here? 'she wasn't in your way, she was doing her own thing?' well, she kind of was in my way, I was doing a thing too... 'suck it kiddo, you're going to have to concede a whole lot worse than that in your life!!!' Yeah, that was about all I could think of to say so I stopped with a cuddle and something along the lines of 'it's really hard to share sometimes'.
But it is!!! This kid is about to have a sibling arrive, sometimes sharing will be a complete joy to her but fairly often it will be tedious and annoying.
I think of how much I relate to those beautiful little mutinous pursed lips. Lately I've had to let my husband take over in the kitchen far more often than i like. Not that I'm any great cook but I have ways I like things done, places I like things to go, I'm left handed... and although I'm grateful I get to rest half of me is conserving my energy until I can get up and put everything back the way I want it. With fairly bad grace usually I might add. It's not MY kitchen or MY space or MY stuff and yet... sometimes it's so hard to share.
We'll both get there in the end but for now, that little play enclosure to those small girls, strictly a one player game. The other can come and play with me somewhere else while she waits.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Learning adventures
 |
| Synchronised playing. |
Today they had their first big play outside! The sun has lost some of it's ferocity so decided to set them up on the deck after lunch. They had a very interesting quilt to lie on, some familiar toys and lots of unfamiliar things to look at and explore.
Thing 2 discovered that if she lay on her back and beat her legs on the deck it made a neat sound
Thing 1 found an ice cream container and explored the possibilities that involved! She tried to chew it, she turned it round and round in her hands, she scratched it with her fingers and explored the texture and the sound.
They both spent lots of time looking at the sky.
Their attention was held for a long time by the colours and patterns and textures in the quilt (which also had large buttons sewn on it - extra interesting!).
Thing 2 crawled off the quilt and onto the deck and felt the texture of the ridges of wood with her fingers.
And because I am a playcentre nerd:
Links to Te Whaariki
Strand 5 -exploration
Goal 1 : Children experience an environment where their play is valued as meaningful learning and the importance of spontaneous play is recognised.
I was nearby as I hung out my washing and took pictures but I took care not to intrude and not to divert their attention.
Goal 2: Children experience an environment where they gain confidence in and control of their bodies.
They had a safe spot where they could practise moving and interesting things they could reach for and be encouraged to move towards.
Goal 3: Children experience an environment where they learn strategies for active exploration thinking and reasoning.
They had plenty of new visual and sensory experiences and uninterrupted time to explore them.
Goal 4: Children experience an environment where they develop working theories for making sense of the natural, social, physical and material worlds.
They were able to experience light and shade, the contrast of warmth and cool. They were able to view some familiar things and try familiar experiences in unfamiliar territory. Sometimes with very different results!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
To each, their own.
Or, why I am the crazy lady who refuses to attempt to get her twins into the same 'schedule'
Scheduling babies. My current irk.
I am not a schedules person. I love organising grand routines for how I am going to get my housework done, how I am going to tackle a large job by breaking it up into smaller bits and deciding exactly when I am going to tackle each part... my house is littered with evidence of such organisation! Execution... not my strong point. I can manage to do the same thing each day for approximately 3 days before i get bored and feel the need to rearrange all my furniture. Who am I kidding, probably 1 day's my real limit!!!
When I had my first child every mum I knew loved Babywise. You may be familiar, 3 hourly, eat, play, sleep cycles, baby sleeping all night at 6 weeks... I was well aware that my time for knowing everything about babies ended approximately 5 minutes before giving birth so I soaked up all the advice like a sponge and followed the advised baby schedules to the best of my ability.
Then I had my second child. I realised that what I thought was me following a schedule with my first was just her being an easy to read baby who was happy to go along with me. This one was a totally different beast. I couldn't just put him to bed most of the time, I needed to lie down with him on my chest to help him relax enough for sleep. I couldn't feed him more or less 3 hourly. Often it was more or less hourly. If he was tired he didn't want to be put in his bed so he could snuggle his blanket, blink his beautiful eyes at me, give me a slight smile and drift off to sleep. And when he grew into a toddler I remember looking at him and having a scary sort of lightbulb moment. I realised I did not know this child at all. I had never met him before. I didn't know how to make sure he listened to me, I didn't know how to give him instructions in a language he would respond to. I didn't know what made him happy or sad because he was a completely new person unfolding before my eyes. It was scary because I realised how much I had to learn and exciting because I couldn't wait to find out.
Then I had twins.
For the first 6 weeks or so I changed, fed put them back to bed together. It was so easy! Well, relatively. Because I was tending to all their needs at the same time it took only a fraction longer than if I was looking after only one baby. Then one day No2 kept herself awake most of the day, fighting against those heavy eyelids and crying everytime she fell asleep dammit! Just her, not her sister. It was around then I realised I didn't have one lot of two babies, I had two lots of one baby. So I backed off watching the clock, backed off waking up the sleeping baby in order to make things easier. I made for myself a bit of a baby feeding marathon as I would feed one, then both, then the other... then all over again, sometimes all day. They would take turns having times where I had no idea of their 'sleep cues' so couldn't anticipate the tired crying so threw some stressed out baby rocking into the mix. And hours of feeding, crying, feeding, crying from their overtired state. From them and me. There have been plenty of times when I have left babies crying alone in their beds as I have been dealing with one baby and the other one has had to wait. Heartbreaking. Or after an all night baby marathon I'd be dying for a nap but they would never both be asleep at the same time. Then things started to get easier, I got a bit more sleep (and got better at sleeping sitting up...) and some strange things have happened.
1) with very little conscious effort from me the babies have synced up again, not around my will but more around the ebb and flow of our household combined with their rhythms
2) we have some guaranteed nap times
3) they are happy, chilled out babies. They can cope with being alone, they are happy to play in their beds before sleeping and one of them on waking (the other usually wakes sounding as if cannibals are nibbling her toes)
4) I see how quickly things are changing for them. I can respond to No2's extra sleepy day by not stressing out that the extra long nap she's taking will mess up her night sleeping and throw her routine out. I can respond to No1's need for extra feeds by.. well.. feeding her extra! And I know that although today might be really hard, tomorrow is bound not to be (and vice versa for the pessimist in me!!!) and I am taking my little girls as they come at their own speed. And they're only 4 months. Lots more changes to come!
So that's why.
Scheduling babies. My current irk.
I am not a schedules person. I love organising grand routines for how I am going to get my housework done, how I am going to tackle a large job by breaking it up into smaller bits and deciding exactly when I am going to tackle each part... my house is littered with evidence of such organisation! Execution... not my strong point. I can manage to do the same thing each day for approximately 3 days before i get bored and feel the need to rearrange all my furniture. Who am I kidding, probably 1 day's my real limit!!!
When I had my first child every mum I knew loved Babywise. You may be familiar, 3 hourly, eat, play, sleep cycles, baby sleeping all night at 6 weeks... I was well aware that my time for knowing everything about babies ended approximately 5 minutes before giving birth so I soaked up all the advice like a sponge and followed the advised baby schedules to the best of my ability.
Then I had my second child. I realised that what I thought was me following a schedule with my first was just her being an easy to read baby who was happy to go along with me. This one was a totally different beast. I couldn't just put him to bed most of the time, I needed to lie down with him on my chest to help him relax enough for sleep. I couldn't feed him more or less 3 hourly. Often it was more or less hourly. If he was tired he didn't want to be put in his bed so he could snuggle his blanket, blink his beautiful eyes at me, give me a slight smile and drift off to sleep. And when he grew into a toddler I remember looking at him and having a scary sort of lightbulb moment. I realised I did not know this child at all. I had never met him before. I didn't know how to make sure he listened to me, I didn't know how to give him instructions in a language he would respond to. I didn't know what made him happy or sad because he was a completely new person unfolding before my eyes. It was scary because I realised how much I had to learn and exciting because I couldn't wait to find out.
Then I had twins.
 |
| they still do love sleeping together... |
1) with very little conscious effort from me the babies have synced up again, not around my will but more around the ebb and flow of our household combined with their rhythms
2) we have some guaranteed nap times
3) they are happy, chilled out babies. They can cope with being alone, they are happy to play in their beds before sleeping and one of them on waking (the other usually wakes sounding as if cannibals are nibbling her toes)
 |
| stressed out by looking after 2 babies at once |
So that's why.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Hi there. As it has been nearly a year since I last posted anything, I strongly suspect I am merely talking t myself now. Which is fine by me!
Since I started this blog with the usual good intentions of keeping my brain active through writing regularly on topics of fascination to me, I have conceived, carried, given birth to and nurtured currently 3 month old twin girls. Yes - super gorgeous identical twin girls!!! Hence the goal of keeping my brain active became a futile one a long time ago.
Instead I will attempt to hijack my own blog for rants. Just don't expect careful research and please bear in mind I probably haven't slept much lately!!!
Look forward to getting used to hearing my own voice again!!
Since I started this blog with the usual good intentions of keeping my brain active through writing regularly on topics of fascination to me, I have conceived, carried, given birth to and nurtured currently 3 month old twin girls. Yes - super gorgeous identical twin girls!!! Hence the goal of keeping my brain active became a futile one a long time ago.
Instead I will attempt to hijack my own blog for rants. Just don't expect careful research and please bear in mind I probably haven't slept much lately!!!
Look forward to getting used to hearing my own voice again!!
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